Pigs in blankets reign supreme: Christmas Dinner foods, ranked

CHRISTMAS Dinner contains a multitude of delicious components, but now we’re all through it which is the best? 


Spouts are shit, even if you’re a middle-class wanker who tries to make them palatable by cooking them with Parmesan and garlic. But just like visiting your in-laws you must experience the misery, because of tradition. They are the encapsulation of Christmas.

Bread sauce

Sorry, what? A jug of wet, warm bread? No, thank you. Still better than sprouts though.


Boring, don’t taste of much. The only real benefit is they add a splash of colour to an otherwise worryingly beige plate.


Also boring, also colourful. Well, they should be, but your mum always forgets she’s put them on and boils them into brown, rock-hard pellets while secretly necking the cooking wine.


Sweet. Tasty. Especially when glazed in honey. But still a vegetable, and therefore disappointing.


Even if your dad has been up since 5am wrapping it in Parma ham and basting it with the same care and attention he put into bathing you as a newborn, turkey will only ever elicit a ‘meh’ from the table. Just do a chicken, dad, no one gives a f**k.

Cranberry sauce

Sharp, sweet, zesty, and exactly what is needed to cut through the rest of the stodge you’ve greedily heaped onto your plate, you tubby bastard.


Your foodie twat of a brother spends the best part of an hour lovingly making gravy from meat juices and browning. You tell him it tastes the same as Bisto granules. He gives you a dead leg under the table. Anyway, it’s good because it lubricates dad’s dry turkey without being bread sauce.


Herby, starchy, crunchy and utterly delicious, even if your mum accidentally bought the vegetarian stuff. You’d rather eat it instead of the turkey to be honest, but don’t tell your dad as he’s had a few and might start crying. Roasted dead bird is all he’s got.

Roast potatoes

Normally the king of a roast dinner, these fluffy, crispy wonders are sadly relegated to number two at Christmas. However, that doesn’t stop you filling 60 per cent of your plate with them and hissing at your sister ‘snitches get stitches’ when she says you’ve had more than your fair share.

Pigs in blankets

Salty, tasty meat wrapped in salty, tasty meat. The culinary pinnacle of the year and, arguably, the true meaning of Christmas.

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Turkey best eaten straight out of the fridge with hands at 11pm, confirm experts

FOOD scientists have confirmed that the best way to eat turkey is in quick little handfuls while standing in a kitchen illuminated only by the fridge.

For decades the debate has been dominated by roasting and basting methods, but new research has found that furtively stuffing it into your mouth cold is when it tastes best.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “It doesn’t matter whether you serve it wrapped in parma ham or roasted in grass-fed butter, everything is inferior to ripping it straight from the carcass with your own grubby mitts.

“Eating it from a plate rapidly diminishes mouthfeel enjoyment, while the fear of being shouted at by a matriarchal figure if you’re caught scarfing it straight from the fridge has been proved to enhance the taste.

“Our scientists still haven’t been able to pinpoint exactly why turkey never tastes nice when prepared in the intended way and served for the whole family for dinner, yet is delicious when feeling bored because Nan wants to watch Christmas Songs of Praise.

“But we’ll keep striving to find out, because people deserve answers. Most notably the poor bastard who spent all day slaving to cook it before being told that chicken would have been nicer.”