Thursday, 29th October 2020

Prince Andrew to lie about going to Pizza Express one last time before it closes

As more than 70 branches of Pizza Express prepare to close, their most famous patron has announced his intention to pretend to go for one last fictional visit.

Prince Andrew is reportedly dismayed to learn of the closure and has confirmed he is going to make up a story about going there for one final meal, which he will remember in strangely vivid detail forever.

Prince Andrew said: “I’ve been a devotee of this fabulous restaurant since visiting the Woking branch on March 10th, 2001, between 4 and 7pm. I will always adore Pizza… Hut? Wait no, I mean… Bella Pasta?

“Anyway, it’s a terrible shame it’s closing down but I am looking forward to stuffing my face with an imaginary American Hot before they shut. That pizza is so spicy that I’d be sweating buckets afterwards, if only I was able.”

Waiter Oliver O’Connor said: “It will be our pleasure to welcome Prince Andrew for one more make-believe meal that he will be able to recall with precision nearly 20 years into the future.

“I’ve been told to say that the Prince was a lovely customer and he ordered the dough balls.”