Prince Andrew to lie about going to Pizza Express one last time before it closes

As more than 70 branches of Pizza Express prepare to close, their most famous patron has announced his intention to pretend to go for one last fictional visit.

Prince Andrew is reportedly dismayed to learn of the closure and has confirmed he is going to make up a story about going there for one final meal, which he will remember in strangely vivid detail forever.

Prince Andrew said: “I’ve been a devotee of this fabulous restaurant since visiting the Woking branch on March 10th, 2001, between 4 and 7pm. I will always adore Pizza… Hut? Wait no, I mean… Bella Pasta?

“Anyway, it’s a terrible shame it’s closing down but I am looking forward to stuffing my face with an imaginary American Hot before they shut. That pizza is so spicy that I’d be sweating buckets afterwards, if only I was able.”

Waiter Oliver O’Connor said: “It will be our pleasure to welcome Prince Andrew for one more make-believe meal that he will be able to recall with precision nearly 20 years into the future.

“I’ve been told to say that the Prince was a lovely customer and he ordered the dough balls.”

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The middle-class family's guide to a caravan holiday

JUST because you can’t get to Crete this year doesn’t mean that you can’t have a cut-above holiday. Here’s how to survive a week in a caravan designed for the working classes:

Kick the children out

Having spent lockdown trapped with your own progeny, the prospect of renting a tiny box to drive around in will feel like utter lunacy. Rent a smaller caravan for your au pair to drive so she can take the children when they become too grating.

Ignore ‘no camping’ rules

As your income sits well inside the top tax bracket, it’s your right to park the caravan wherever you choose. Remember, this in no way compromises your right to loudly complain about travellers’ caravans ‘ruining views’ when you read about them in the Daily Mail.

Don’t worry about driving badly

Wildly swinging between lanes in a wheeled behemoth you’ve no experience of driving can get tiring, particularly with all that annoying beeping going on. Make sure to lock the doors when you’re stationary in a traffic jam in case one of the people you’ve nearly killed comes looking for you.

Consider a static caravan

If you instead opt for a static caravan, you’ll be surrounded by many colourful characters from the great British public. Rent all the caravans close to your own to avoid this awful state of affairs and ensure you don’t mix with anyone outside your socio-economic group.

Remember you can always book into a hotel

Comfort yourself with the fact that, as soon as the novelty wears off, you can ditch the caravan and book yourselves into a lovely little boutique hotel. You were only doing it to be ironic anyway.