Red Bull releases panic attack in a can

RED Bull have unveiled their strongest energy drink which contains enough caffeine to instantly bring on a panic attack.

The new Red Bull AnXXXiety has been specially formulated to cause anyone who consumes it to instantly feel as if the world is ending.

A company spokesperson said: “There’s a huge amount of competition in the energy drinks market, which is why we’ve gone all out on stuffing this one with so much caffeine it’s been banned in the EU. But it’s available in the UK, just another of those Brexit benefits.

“We’re expecting it to be popular with students cramming for exams, teenagers who have consumed so many energy drinks they’ve built up a strong tolerance, and people who have been priced out of the cocaine market thanks to inflation.

“This is an exciting new direction for the company and we’re already looking at changing our slogan from ‘Red Bull gives you wings’ to ‘Red Bull gives you a profound sense of dread and terrifying palpitations’. We think that has a nice ring to it.”

Red Bull drinker Oliver O’Connor said: “Who are you, why are you asking me these questions? Why is that squirrel in the park staring at me? How does it know I’m cheating on my wife? I’m about to die, aren’t I?”

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Essential oil diffusers harmful to cats and dads

ESSENTIAL oil reed diffusers are not only poisonous to cats but also middle-aged dads who cannot be doing with all that carry on, it has emerged.

The toxic effects of essential oils on felines have been well documented, but less understood is their deleterious impact on tired family men who just want to breathe in their own house without getting a headache.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Our research found that the noxious reek of tea tree oil and ylang ylang is as bad for already-grumpy fathers as it is for pets, if not worse.

“Exposure to diffusers can cause a range of symptoms in dads, including exaggerated coughing, loud sneezing, swearing as soon as they open the door to a room, and excessive use of the phrase ‘it smells like a tart’s boudoir in here’.

“A plug-in diffuser is less harmful because at least it can be switched off at the wall. With a reed diffuser, all he can do is gesture at it furiously while rolling his eyes and tutting.

“As with cats, the advice is just to make sure dads stay out of any room where there’s an essential oil diffuser. Which is handy if you want him to piss off and let you watch Strictly in peace.”