Salad great snack while waiting for real lunch

SALADS are a fun and tasty choice for lunch so long as there is a main course of proper food immediately afterwards, it has been confirmed.

Experts say it is perfectly safe – and even pleasant – to eat salad if it is followed by a meal rich in saturated fat, meat and sugar which is not f**king rabbit food that makes you pass out from hunger.

Chef Donna Sheridan said: “When the weather gets hot, there’s nothing better than some crisp, fresh vegetables. It really whets the appetite for the big plate of chips I’ll eat afterwards.

“I’m convinced that there are no real salad haters – just people who don’t know how to make a good one. Use the food ‘rainbow’, mixing the reds of peppers with the deep green of kale. Then add a chicken bacon cheeseburger with large fries and mayo for a healthy salad everyone will enjoy.

“There’s such a wide range of cuisines you can incorporate. Try a Turkish piyaz salad, with its delicate balance of tomato, red onion, parsley, lemon and ground sumac. Then go back to the shop for an extra-large doner for some actual food.”

Nutritionist Tom Logan said: “Ignore food myths like huge, fatty meals not being as good for you as salads. If you eat a salad first it will cancel out the calories of anything else you eat that day.

“There will always be cranks who insist a salad alone will do for their lunch. If you must follow such an extreme diet, minimise the risk of malnutrition by adding meat, creamy dressings and four slices of white bread. And have some crisps later to be on the safe side.”

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Homeworkers naked

EMPLOYEES who work from home have completely stripped off in order to stay cool in the heat.

Productivity among remote workers is higher than their office-based counterparts thanks to not wearing sweat-sodden suits and allowing cool air to breeze erotically through their armpits and genitals.

Homeworker Martin Bishop said: “Being naked is one of the many perks of working from home. Along with being able to get away with doing the bare minimum and pissing off Telegraph editors.

“If I was in the office I’d be leaving a sticky trail in my wake like a slug. And if I walked around without anything on you can bet HR would have something to say about it, even though I’m saving the company loads of money by not using a fan.

“But when I work from home I can whip everything off, chuck down a towel to soak up any residual back sweat, and happily toil away with the fan in my computer tower wafting a pleasant zephyr into my crotch. 

“If I have to hop onto a video call I’ll chuck on a shirt but leave downstairs as nature intended. It’s just like the good old days of 2020 when everyone worked in a state of undress. Don’t pretend you didn’t.”

Bishop’s boss Nikki Hollis said: “I could have done without the horrifying mental image of Martin filling in spreadsheets with his clammy cock out.”