Scientists confirm there is not enough alcohol in the world to make a vegan kebab enjoyable

THERE is not enough alcohol in the world to make a vegan kebab delicious, scientists have confirmed.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies explained: “Our study found that what people stumbling home at 2am after a heavy night crave is the tender, silky texture and delicious flavour combination of a doner kebab.

“Even the least discerning drunks in our study found the vegan alternative, which is basically an expensive clump of yeast-flavoured sausage-esque cylinders interspersed with bits of pepper, not only fails to hit the spot, but actively feels like a middle finger to food.

“Our tests revealed that vegan kebab meat serves one purpose and one purpose only: to make the consumer wish they were eating actual kebab meat.”

Kebab eater Tom Booker said: “You can’t even make it passable by drenching it in garlic mayo because that’s not bloody vegan, is it?

“I wish it was flavourless. I can work with flavourless. Call me fussy, but I’d rather not have to wipe my tongue with a bit of lettuce after every bite.”