Scientists still trying to find a worse way to deliver ketchup than those packets

SCIENTISTS have admitted they are working night and day to find a less effective ketchup delivery method than tiny plastic packets. 

The packets, which provide almost no ketchup while making a horrible f**king mess, have beaten all contenders to remain the most wasteful and least user-friendly condiment delivery system.

Dr Helen Archer said: “We’ve tried everything. Even holding ketchup in your cupped hands is a marginal improvement.

“A method where you collect eight tiny packets, battle to tear them open, squirt half of it on your shirt, and get around a teaspoonful of ketchup from before it’s time to open the next with sauce-slick hands? That’s hitting every mark of the consumer experience.

“We tried little tubs that dissolve on touch, sauce guns you fire at your food from 12ft away, and an ironic revival of those big tomatoes where it all crusts up. All were better in at least one aspect.

“Science has its limits, and it may be that we need to develop an entire new technology to make these things worse.”

She added: “This also included mayo and mustard, but nobody ever tries to open them.”

Man joins gym to shed personality

A MAN has joined the gym with the aim of shedding as much of his personality as possible.

Julian Cook has noticed his character is bloated and unattractive as he hit his mid-30s and decided to do something about it.

He said: “I was in denial for quite a while, But eventually I realised that I had developed a bit too much personality.

“There are obviously a few ways of doing this, I could have started doing yoga or joined a running club. But in the end the most efficient way was to join the gym.

“Some of the weights boys have absolutely no personality whatsoever. It’s like standing by rocks.”

Cook’s personal trainer Nikki Hollis said: “He’ll get out what he puts in. If he commits to going to the gym at least four times a week then I can guarantee he will be a dreary tw*t by Christmas.”