Woman having affair so she doesn't waste her suntan

A 32-YEAR-OLD woman has embarked on an affair in order not to waste her suntan.

Sophie Muir said: “I got back from holiday with a gorgeous golden tan and now look at the weather. Straight into thick black tights and my autumn coat. What was the point of spending all those hours on a sun lounger?

“Look at these lovely tan lines and this golden glow. My back looks f**king amazing. And there are hardly any opportunities to show off your back.

“I suppose I could take up swimming or something, but Martin from HR has made it clear he’s keen, and an affair feels like less faff than changing rooms and lockers and all that.

“I know marriage vows are kind of against it, but I really think that God had not properly thought about suntans just sitting there hidden under opaque 80-denier tights.

“We’re always being told nowadays not to waste stuff.”

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Six perfect times to send a dick pic

ONCE men courted ladies with flowers, but today’s lovelorn troubadour sends a quick snap of his penis instead. But when is the perfect time? 

In first flush

When romance is struggling to bloom, it’s crucial to get the blood pumping. And what better to inflame passion after the initial four to five messages than a tastefully-filtered shot of your angry member?

At 1.15am

What lady doesn’t love to lift her weary head from the pillow at night to be delighted by a glowing picture of her wooing swain’s cock? ‘But soft, what beauty from yonder iPhone breaks?’ our modern Juliets coo.

At 1.15am after at least four months of no contact whatsoever

Gentlemen in locker rooms amuse each other by peeking their genitalia round doors, and just as much fun is the social media version of this chucklesome prank. ‘Guess who’s back,’ the cheeky tumescent fellow seems to say.

As an opener

Why waste time on someone who’s not right for you? Jolt the relationship into intimacy by sending a fine angle of your proud, erect manhood. Women crave intimacy.

On a business trip

Working closely? The better a team knows each other, the better they can bond, so an emailed stiffy selfie done on a laptop camera in a Travelodge is a gift. Accompanying it with ‘nudes pls’ should prompt an enthusiastic response.

At 1.15am two years after the end of a relationship

Hey, baby. Remember when?