Scotsman who visited London still laughing about 'hummus'

A SCOTTISH man who saw the product ‘hummus’ in a London supermarket still cannot believe it is real.

William McKay of Stirling spotted the unbelievable item in a Tesco Metro when visiting the capital for a training course, and has been chuckling drily to himself ever since.

McKay said: “‘Hummus’. Honestly, you cannot believe it. I was pissing myself laughing when I got on the train home all the way up to Berwick-on-Tweed.

“What are you supposed to do with that stuff? Is it like gravy? I wish I’d bought a pot to show around, but I don’t suppose they’d have sold it me once they heard the accent.

“Is it soup? Do you spread it on bread? Do you eat it drunk? How do the crazy bastards come up with this stuff?”

McKay added: “Eat some? No, I wouldn’t do that.”

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Doctor running out of ways to hint patient is fat bastard who drinks too much

A GP is running out of tactful ways to tell a patient his health issues are down to being a big fat f**ker who is always on the sauce.

Dr Tom Booker is close to exhausting all sensitive or circumspect approaches to the topic and is close to dropping an expletive-laden truth bomb on 42-year-old Wayne Hayes.

Booker said: “I’ve given him every gentle nudge in the book. We’ve compared his intake to the government guidelines, looked at the calories in booze, talked about cholesterol. Nothing.

“He still sits opposite me complaining that he has no energy and feels depressed, without ever linking it to his diet of frozen pizza and at least eight cans of Carling every night.

“One more question about his constant sweating and I’m going to lose it. Or questions about being tested for asthma because he gets ‘out of breath climbing stairs’ before asking if I’m sure he can’t vape in here.

“You’re a fat, lazy bastard who knocks back far too much booze, Wayne. That’s your entire problem.”

Hayes said: “I should probably be honest about how much I really drink. But I don’t want the doc to be disappointed in me.”