Shops think you want a Christmas sandwich

SUPERMARKETS are convinced that customers want unpleasant Christmas sandwiches that are a mockery of festive food, it has emerged.

Their belief that Britons crave a crude, snack-sized approximation of a traditional turkey dinner they can eat at their desks has brought a wealth of products to shelves, each equally unappetising.

A supermarket spokesman said: “Our turkey sandwiches are exactly like a festive roast with all the trimmings, if you serve yours stone cold between slices of brown bread.

“There’s cranberry-flavour sauce, gristly sausage chunks and a huge squirt of mayonnaise for ‘lubrication’. And who could resist that rubbery bacon and lovely bland stuffing?”

Marketing manager Donna Sheridan said: “When I eat a Christmas sandwich it’s as if I’m at a Victorian banquet with a huge, golden turkey and elegant guests sipping sherry.

“While I’m walking down the street, in the pissing rain, on my way back to work, in the mid-afternoon dark when I’m already into my overdraft.

“Merry Christmas, one and all. In November.”

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‘Intuitive’ woman able to sense the incredibly obvious

A WOMAN believes she has a gift for ‘reading’ social situations that are completely obvious to everyone, she has revealed.

Emma Bradford of Leeds is convinced her intuition means she detects subtle interactions others are oblivious to, when in fact they are perfectly aware but keep quiet about it.

Bradford said: “I was at a dinner party and got a strong sense that something was happening between Dan and Sarah. No one else picked up on it, but days later they were a couple.

“Likewise, it was me who spotted that Josh and Ian had fallen out. My sixth sense which alerted me to the silence between them, which everyone else had missed.”

Friend Tom Booker said: “We were all quite aware Josh and Ian weren’t speaking, which is why we did our level best to hide it, and bloody Dan and Sarah were all but shagging on the table.

“The trouble is that Emma sees these things and believes she’s some spookily intuitive seer, instead of having the social skills to pretend to ignore it.”

Bradford continued: “And I sensed Andy was unhappy at work, and sure enough he felt there wasn’t an outlet for his creativity and filmmaking degree at the frozen chicken warehouse.”