Six fancy lunches that aren't anywhere near as good as a sausage roll

FEEL like treating yourself this lunchtime? Reckon you’ll give that new place a go? Don’t waste your time because no gourmet meal can beat a sausage roll: 

An £8 sandwich

It may be served on gorgeous sourdough and contain deluxe Italian cheese you’ve never heard of, but it’s too fancy to be big so you’ll be left unsatisfied and reaching for a packet of their £4.50 organic beetroot crisps, and still spend the afternoon hungry.

A seafood platter

Where better to celebrate a pitch gone well than an upmarket seafood place? Everyone knows where – Greggs. You’ll get more bang for your buck and you’re less likely to get the squits mid-afternoon.


The determination to prove to yourself that salad can be lunch never goes away despite a lifetime of disappointments. But still, driven by the urge to be healthy, you load up on exotic leaves and fresh dressings and declare it a marvellous lunch and recommend it to all your colleagues. Then at 3pm you nip out for a sausage roll.

A burrito bowl

So many choices of meat! That one has chorizo in it! Some of it’s got on your tie! Jesus, are there jalapeños in this? It didn’t say that on the menu! You know where you can get one single unspiced meat that’s guaranteed to be great? In a sausage roll.

A box of sushi

The main motivation to get this is so you can give your colleagues a smug ‘I’ve got sushi for lunch’ look. Why not replicate that feeling of cultural superiority by eating a sausage roll with chopsticks?

A steak

It’s on the company dollar, so you’re going to splash out on a fancy steak? Cliché much? Save yourself a fortune in sirloin and sides by choosing a main and carb all in one in the form of your old friend who’s never let you down, the sausage roll.

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A child of the 80s' guide to getting through the ad break

BACK in the 1980s, there was no choice but to sit through an ad break waiting for the show to resume. Here’s how we coped: 

Fight with a sibling

Five minutes of advertising for Dream Topping was a perfect opportunity to sort your bitch sister the f**k out back then and still is today. Try instigating arguments over plotlines, which other show you’ve seen that actor in, or who’s in command of the remote control.

Claim the adverts are better than the show

A reliable witticism of parents back in the day, anyone familiar with 80s adverts might assume this to be homespun irony. Anyone familiar with the shite that was dished up to captive audiences will know it was frequently true.

Play drinking games

Every time an ad features a smug man in a big car, a woman with perfect skin smiling at yoghurt, or an unlikely fat person dancing, take a hefty slug of whatever beverage you have to hand. Alcohol preferable so you’ll soon be too pissed to distinguish the adverts from the show.

Pit stop

After the drinking game you’ll need the loo during the subsequent ad break. If not, this is your chance to get in another round. Either way when you return someone will have stolen your good chair with the best view of the telly so you can enjoy a brief fight, as above.

Shout at them

Once you’re nice and hammered you’ll become incredibly witty and ready to offer hilarious retorts to whichever adverts you’re treated to. Back in the 80s that could be suggesting the Gold Blend couple should drop the coffee and shag, or that the Shake ’N’ Vac lady could do her dance on your dick. It really was a golden age of comedy.

Change the channel

Depending on whether you were advanced enough to have a remote, this could mean lumbering up the telly yourself or ordering a kid to do it. Whereupon you’d find an interminable period drama on BBC1, the Open University on BBC2, and Teletext on Channel Four. Get Play Your Cards Right back on and dream of the future.