DAVE Grohl, the rocker your nan thinks is lovely, is the next celebrity to read the CBeebies bedtime story. But who should never, ever be allowed?
Even if he could be dissuaded from reading directly from Marx, the hard-eyed left-winger would choose a story about a fairy-tale kingdom where food is plentiful, every job is filled and nobody goes poor. And even kids aren’t guillible enough to believe that shit.
Snoop’s story of a pimp squeezed between rival gangs who, after inhaling deeply on magic herb, brings peace and harmony to the LBC by taking a shotgun from his trunk and blowing every motherf**ker away, would be accepted unquestioningly by kids and send them happily off to sleep. Less so by parents.
Professor Chris Whitty
Whitty, assisted by Professor Van-Tam, would next-slide-please his way through Sleeping Beauty, pausing to explain the spread of encephalitis lethargica or ‘sleeping sickness’, the lack of effective treatments and the proven ineffectiveness of handsome princes in clinical trials. Would send kids to sleep though.
Reading Ali Baba and the 400,000 Thieves, Farage would spin a beguiling tale about a swarm of swarthy migrants who invaded Britain ‘to steal our jobs, our fish and our pride’ before being beaten back by Robin Hood, St George and the Dambusters. However the Farage magic only works on the old. Kids would hate the weird old man smoking and drinking bitter.
She’s raised kids, but the sexagenarian star still lives to shock and no parent needs to be explaining what bondage fairies are or why the emperor’s new clothes actually allowed him to be his nude authentic self in front of the whole kingdom. And she’s amazingly wooden on screen.
Sir Philip Green
Green’s reworking of Treasure Island tells the story of a very wealthy man who buries all his money on a Caribbean island in his wife’s name. When interfering governments discover it was all from looted pension funds they demand he pay it back and he tells them to f**k off. Kids are selfish little twats, so will love it.