Six wholly inappropriate celebrities to read the CBeebies bedtime story

DAVE Grohl, the rocker your nan thinks is lovely, is the next celebrity to read the CBeebies bedtime story. But who should never, ever be allowed?

Jeremy Corbyn

Even if he could be dissuaded from reading directly from Marx, the hard-eyed left-winger would choose a story about a fairy-tale kingdom where food is plentiful, every job is filled and nobody goes poor. And even kids aren’t guillible enough to believe that shit.

Snoop Dogg

Snoop’s story of a pimp squeezed between rival gangs who, after inhaling deeply on magic herb, brings peace and harmony to the LBC by taking a shotgun from his trunk and blowing every motherf**ker away, would be accepted unquestioningly by kids and send them happily off to sleep. Less so by parents.

Professor Chris Whitty

Whitty, assisted by Professor Van-Tam, would next-slide-please his way through Sleeping Beauty, pausing to explain the spread of encephalitis lethargica or ‘sleeping sickness’, the lack of effective treatments and the proven ineffectiveness of handsome princes in clinical trials. Would send kids to sleep though.

Nigel Farage

Reading Ali Baba and the 400,000 Thieves, Farage would spin a beguiling tale about a swarm of swarthy migrants who invaded Britain ‘to steal our jobs, our fish and our pride’ before being beaten back by Robin Hood, St George and the Dambusters. However the Farage magic only works on the old. Kids would hate the weird old man smoking and drinking bitter.

Madonna

She’s raised kids, but the sexagenarian star still lives to shock and no parent needs to be explaining what bondage fairies are or why the emperor’s new clothes actually allowed him to be his nude authentic self in front of the whole kingdom. And she’s amazingly wooden on screen.

Sir Philip Green

Green’s reworking of Treasure Island tells the story of a very wealthy man who buries all his money on a Caribbean island in his wife’s name. When interfering governments discover it was all from looted pension funds they demand he pay it back and he tells them to f**k off. Kids are selfish little twats, so will love it.

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The Brexiter's guide to admitting you miss cheap migrant labour

DO you secretly regret your former zeal for kicking out all foreigners because you like petrol and ham? Here’s how to admit it without losing face:

Blame young people today

Before admitting maybe immigration was a good idea, pick a new scapegoat. Take out your irrational anger on the young people of Britain who think they’re too fancy to do an honest day’s work slaughtering pigs in an abattoir, as if you haven’t worked in an office your whole life.

Fundamentally misunderstand supply chains

‘Why can’t farmers butcher pigs themselves and sell them to the village shop?’ you ask, with vague memories of Charlotte’s Web. Because it’s not the 18th century and meat production has complex supply chains and safety checks. Once this has been carefully explained to you several times, still deny it.

Get in a pickle about wages

Raising the minimum wage sounds like socialism, and yet wage rises could be the only way to persuade people to kill pigs, pick raspberries and sleep in trucks in laybys on the A50. Is it better to allow foreigners in or pay Brits you consider beneath you more? Tricky. Is there any way we could achieve the same result by cutting benefits?

Wonder whether it was all worth it

Brexit was all you believed in for a decade, ever since you were seduced by Nigel Farage, but it does seem to be turning into something of a shitshow. Begin to entertain the notion that maybe immigration has some benefits, but don’t admit it out loud to anyone. They might take your blue passport away.

Consider a Christmas without pigs in blankets

When it comes down to it, the most important thing in life is pork products wrapped in other pork products at a particular time of year. All the immigrants can come back if they can give you petrol, meat and someone to make xenophobic comments about again.

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