Some bastard at restaurant always wants to try a bit of everyone's food

MOST group visits to a restaurant include some git who wants to have a bit of other people’s meals, research has confirmed.

The Institute for Studies found that scrounging titbits was a calculated move designed to get a large variety of tasty food without paying.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “They’ll preface the meal by saying ‘We can all try a bit of each other’s!’. That’s a deliberate ploy to soften you up for pinching your king prawns.

“If you object, for example quite reasonably saying, ‘No, fuck off and eat your own food’ they’ll stigmatise you as a horrible non-sharer.

“Everyone will mock you, despite secretly wanting to eat all the food they ordered for themselves. It’s hard to say who’s worse, the food thief or these spineless hypocritical scum.

“When the dishes arrive, the food sharer will try a bit of everyone’s, but if you try theirs they’ll already have a plan in place and go ‘Ooh, don’t take the best bit of meat!”.

“The only solution is to order something horrible, like a plate of boiled liver with a raw cooking apple for dessert, but that can put a bit of a downer on the meal.”

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The secret prison diary of Tommy Robinson, aged 35¾

TOMMY Robinson, EDL founder, ‘political activist’ and general nuisance about Muslims, has just been released on bail. Read these exclusive excerpts from his prison diary.

26 May

First day in prison thanks to the rotten stinking British courts! Well, not the first but that’s because I’m a regular political prisoner. (Let’s forget about that sentence for mortgage fraud.)

3 June

Bearing up pretty well. No one’s tried to bum me yet so that’s a definite plus. Also I think I’ve got a couple of orders for my tanning bed shop in Luton from the lads on D Wing. Every cloud and all that.

18 June

Had a dream last night in which everyone in the world was living together in peace and harmony regardless of their religion, colour or creed.

Can’t tell you how relieved I was to wake up from this awful nightmare! Seeing the prison doctor later to get some pills to stop it.

21 June

The pills the doctor gave me made my balls turn green! In the showers everyone noticed and stayed away from me (good) but now no one wants to play pool with me (bad).

It’s disgusting that people can be so prejudiced based on nothing more than the colour of your bollocks.

10 July

An inmate asked why I call myself Tommy Robinson when my real name’s Stephen Yaxley-Lennon. Fortunately I was able to give the true explanation, which is that I need multiple identities to evade Islamic assassins.

I wouldn’t want anyone thinking I just didn’t want to look like a ponce in front of all my football hooligan mates.

22 July

Someone came up to me and said “Mate, I really respect what you’re doing.” I thought, “At last, recognition for my tireless work protecting Great Britain from Muslamic oppression!”

Then he said “Yeah, I love Yellow Submarine”. There’s some right thick bastards in here. It’s no wonder they’re in prison.

31 July

This Lennon thing is getting totally out of hand. I’ve just had a six-foot Yardie in my cell asking me to explain the lyrics to A Day in the Life.

Luckily they’re letting me out on bail tomorrow. Three cheers for good old British justice!