Thursday, 2nd April 2020

Supermarket pumpkins tragically unaware they won't make Halloween

A LARGE display of pumpkins being used to whip up excitement for Halloween are tragically unaware that they will be disposed of well before the big day. 

The pumpkins, essentially loss-leaders displayed to nudge parents into buying their children costumes, still foolishly imagine that they will be made into jack-o’-lanterns for October 31st.

Pumpkin Carolyn Ryan, speaking from a point-of-sale display in Asda, said: “I’ve been growing my whole life for this.

“Most vegetables get eaten, but I get to be the centre of a whole celebration, carved into sublime art. Though I admit it does seem a little early.

“What’s the shelf life of a picked pumpkin? Well over three weeks, surely? I can’t be here just as collateral damage to shift the Haribo?”

Butternut squash Roy Hobbs said: “It’s painful. She’ll be soup or a spiced masala if she’s one of the lucky ones.

“By the middle of the month the rest will be slumped in a rotten pile over by the wheelie bins, their bottom halves collapsed like they’ve prolapsed. That’s the true horror of Halloween.”