DOING your online supermarket shop? It’s your duty as a consumer to buy all these foods that satisfy your aspirations but you won’t eat:
Kale
Iceberg lettuce for twats, with as much flavour as a wet sock. Is it even meant to be good for you any more? And why does it scatter itself around the fridge so freely, like there’s a miniature 90s Jamie Oliver hiding in there?
All-Bran
Twigs masquerading as food. Not even militant vegans tolerate them. A remnant of the 1980s that would be better used as garden compost. Okay, it makes you shit, but if that’s not a pressing need stop kidding yourself and buy Pop Tarts.
A pineapple
Isn’t it fun to have a pineapple about the place, jaunty and exotic? How exactly do you cut into it? Or skin it? There doesn’t seem to be an obvious solution, and now tiny black flies are buzzing around the kitchen, and it’s not as firm to the touch, and bin.
Quinoa
Boil sand instead. The taste and texture will be much the same and it will make a similar beach out of your kitchen cupboard, spilling everywhere and getting into every crevice.
Vegan cheese
You could have savoured the fruits of centuries of artisan cheesemaking expertise – an oozing camembert, the crumbliest cheddar, the feisty mouth punch of a gorgonzola. But no, here you are, trying to make a cheese toastie from synthetic fibres.
Coleslaw
Take a look, the next time you put a newly-purchased tub of coleslaw in the fridge, and you might even catch the use-by date spinning down. You may get to eat three forkfuls before it becomes a health hazard.
