The posh shopper's guide to buying food on the cheap

STRUGGLING to feed your family in these difficult times? Luckily consumer expert and posh shopper Susan Traherne is here to help with some detached-from-reality tips.

Use the reduced section in the supermarket

This bargain tuck is great value, so buy lots and have a nutritious family meal consisting of a bowl of broken Nice biscuits each. Discount milk is also a great source of cheap cheese if you leave it out in the sun for a bit, I imagine.

Just eat potatoes

My research tells me that fresh potatoes are always more affordable than frozen chips. All you have to do is buy some seasoning and fancy oils to give them some flavour, then spend hours scrubbing off the soil, peeling and chopping them. You’ve got time to spare, right?

Budget, budget, budget

People like me love to condescendingly tell you to budget as if that generates money in itself. Just make sure you don’t spend your carefully rationed pennies on processed rubbish, even if it’s lower in price and easier to prepare. It’s a bit common. (Obviously posh foods like duck liver pate do not count as processed food.)

Reduce your daily meals

One way to cut the cost is to cut the number of meals. Do you really need to have breakfast and lunch every single day? And seeing as Boris wants us all to slim down you’ll be killing two birds with one stone.

Experiment with ‘food alternatives’

Have you tried eating clothes or Amazon boxes? There’s little scientific research on their nutritional value, but it’s worth a shot. We’re living through unprecedented times after all, so try poaching your old computer mouse in white wine and garlic.


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Only idiots enjoy very hot weather, say experts

PEOPLE who relish stifling temperatures of 30-plus degrees have smaller brains than those who do not, experts believe. 

In-depth research by the Institute for Studies found that people whose instinct on a hot day is to get in a car and endure a two-hour traffic jam en route to a crowded beach are usually a bit dense.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The rational response to a weather forecast of 34 degrees should be to stay at home and spend the day in a cool bath reading a book about the siege of Stalingrad in the bitter winter of 1942.

“However people who believe that 10 pints of lager will quench their thirst also think that turning yourself into a a human sun-dried tomato on the beach at Bournemouth is a fun thing to do.”

Brubaker is currently trying to establish a link between sunbathing until your skin is red and painful and other stupid ideas like eyebrow piercings, leaving the EU and joining pyramid schemes. 

He added: “Obviously these idiots won’t listen. Nothing will shake their belief that sweating like a pig for six hours with your top off in a crap local park is an unmissable day out.

“And resembling the Red Skull out of Captain America is just a ‘healthy glow’.”