THE abundance of vegan food options now available means that removing the deliciousness of meat is just the start of ruining a meal. Here are some ideas.
Fry up some seitan
There’s a reason this wheat-based tofu-like product is pronounced ‘Satan’. Although it comes with the enticing promise of being a meat substitute saviour, the fact that it’s an elastic mass of flavourless gluten is likely to take you to a very dark place once you start eating.
Marinade some tempeh
In order to feel more disappointed with a meal, vegans like to spend excess amounts of time and energy on preparing it. Whip up a complicated marinade from scratch and then leave the soy product of your nightmares soaking in it for hours. Delicious.
Scatter raw tofu
Want to make tofu even harder to eat? It’s not always necessary to fry or bake it so there is at least texture if not flavour. Simply chop it up into squishy cubes and toss them over a salad. Don’t cry, it’s good for you.
Add a sprinkle of nutritional yeast
The only thing that truly belongs on top of baked beans or pasta is a shit ton of grated cheese, but we vegans are able to take this pleasure away with a sprinkling of something called ‘nutritional yeast’. It looks like fish food and smells like a bin on a hot day. Bon appetit.
Make aquafaba meringues for pudding
Aquafaba is the water that comes out of a tin of chickpeas which can be whisked up just like egg whites. However, unlike egg whites, it makes a terrible version of a meringue with a horribly savoury aftertaste. But we wouldn’t be vegans if we didn’t enjoy suffering, so bring them on.