Your parents' patronising guide to sorting out your finances

HELLO darling. We know you’ve been strapped for cash recently, what with losing your job due to Covid. But rather than give you some money, let’s explore all your avenues for sorting out your finances.

Sell your antiques on Facebook Marketplace

Your father and I were looking in the garage yesterday and you’ll never guess what we found – a pair of Georgian brass candlesticks! I bought them at a car boot sale in 1997 and apparently they’re worth £800. I put them online and Carolyn from number seven is coming round with the dosh. Do you have anything similar in your bedsit?

Take in a lodger

How much do you use your kitchenette? I’m only asking because your father and I have been toying with the idea of renting out your old bedroom to a lodger so that we can start saving for Costa Rica. If you’re struggling to make ends meet, why not take in a couple of backpackers and tell them to tent-up in the kitchen? It might also be a good way of finding a partner – we are ever so worried about you.

Become a doctor

I know you had your heart set on being a creative writer, darling, but maybe it’s time to consider spending 10 years retraining as a GP? The NHS really needs doctors at the moment and at least it will get you out of the house so you’re not cooped up all day. Also then maybe you can look at my knee because it’s been killing me for a couple of months now and I can’t get an appointment anywhere. 

Buy a house

Sometimes you have to spend to earn. Have you thought about putting down a deposit on a cheap little house somewhere? You’ve always dressed smartly and you’ve been to university so the bank’s bound to give you a mortgage. We bought ours for about £30,000 in 1979 – have they gone up much?

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Woman struggling to think of baby names goes on the IKEA website

A PREGNANT woman who cannot think of a baby name has resorted to looking at the names of furniture and lamps on the IKEA website.

While browsing for a new sofa instead of working, Emma Bradford had an epiphany about where to find a good baby name. 

She said: “I’ve always loved the names of the furniture in IKEA. The Billy bookcase, for example. Billy is perfect for a boy. 

“Then there’s the Kallax shelf unit. With a name like Kallax I can imagine him growing up to be some sort of big, strong rugby player. Maybe his middle name could be Shelfunit. That’s different.

“Or if it’s a girl, what about naming her after a darling little Ribba frame? Or a gorgeous little Frosta stool. We can keep it a secret that she’s named after flatpack furniture. 

“I’ve not told my existing son, McNuggets, how we came up with his name. That’s a secret I’ll never tell.”