Tofu delicious after incredibly complex process to make it not taste shit, explain vegetarians

VEGETARIANS have attempted to explain the complicated, multi-hour process required to make tofu not taste utterly horrific.

Devotees of the meat-free protein insisted it is tasty as long as it is ‘cooked right’, then outlined the arduous, alchemical steps needed to make tofu not taste of tofu as if that was normal.

Vegetarian Hannah Tomlinson said: “For some odd reason, people aren’t huge fans of bean mulch that’s been reconstituted into weird wobbly bricks.

“But if you follow these simple steps, everyone will surely love it. First, simmer it in salted water for 30 minutes – a minute over and it will disintegrate into inedible sludge.

“Then dry the tofu completely using an oven on low heat, an entire roll of paper towels, and a hairdryer, ideally two. This should take approximately two hours and by the end your tofu should have the texture of an ancient leather sandal unearthed in a bog. Delicious.”

Fellow veggie Jordan Gardner: “I simply let my tofu soak in soy sauce for two to three days, before cooking it in chilli and cayenne sauce so unbearably spicy I’m unable to actually taste anything.

“I think I might be permanently destroying my taste buds. Which is good because I can eat more tofu.”

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Things today's kids are learning from porn that are totally off your radar

YOUNGSTERS are learning disturbing sexual practices from online porn, according to the Children’s Commissioner for England. Here are some it’s never crossed your mind to try.

Verbal abuse

Presumably of the ‘bitch’ and ‘whore’ variety, not ‘specky four-eyes’ or ‘bender’. You’d hope even the dimmest child would work out for themselves that most women will find this weird and creepy, but there’s always going to be some dense bastard who tries to drink mercury in science.

Grabbing their throat

Even if a man doesn’t take mock strangulation to the next unwelcome level, he’s clearly got scary domination issues. Also, any normal-ish guy will be wondering: WHAT THE F**K DO YOU SAY AFTERWARDS? ‘Hope you were cool with me briefly turning into the Boston Strangler last night. D’you want some crunchy nut cornflakes?’ The mind boggles.


Visit Pornhub and you’ll be amazed by how many things you can do with spit. Although watching lesbians spitting on their own breasts is somewhat less compelling than even season 3 of The Mandalorian. But most spit-play is about humiliating women, quelle surprise. (You may notice a theme developing here.) Also, haven’t youngsters been taught that spitting is a filthy habit? You’re 45 and you still feel guilty about it, even if an insect has flown into your mouth.

Pissing on each other

For once this isn’t entirely directed at women, so to speak. However it would never have occurred to most men of your generation to be pissed on by their loved one. Questions abound – should you stock up on cleaning products? What happens when it goes cold? Brr.

Slapping (arse)

De rigueur in porn, but it’s unlikely either party gets much out of it. It’s not hardcore enough to thrill S&M types, but just weird enough to be remembered. If you’ve got a kink for your female partner’s mates having a good laugh at you next time they get pissed, go right ahead.

Slapping (face) 

In porn videos this is at least agreed in advance under whatever dubious forms of consent the industry ‘adheres’ to. In real life, most men are just eternally grateful to get a shag, so suddenly slapping their partner couldn’t be further from their mind. Clearly this is abnormal now, and in a few years date night will involve a meal and a romantic punch in the back of the head. 


Something of a misnomer, as it isn’t the variety where a male peasant gets mocked by other villagers in Ye Olden Times then drowns his cheating wyfe in the mill pond. It’s more ‘getting off on someone else having sex with your partner’. The only people who are into this are suburban swingers and professional footballers, and they’re a bunch of sick f**king perverts (the footballers, not the swingers).


Hentai is bloody everywhere on porn sites. Unrealistic expectations about sex don’t get much worse than somehow becoming a cartoon dragon and finding a cute female dragon who’s up for a threesome with one of her dragon friends. Good luck with that, kids.