Tony the Tiger finally wins 50-year battle against Ricicles

TONY the Tiger has roared in triumph after finally defeating rival sugar-frosted cereal Ricicles after more than 50 years. 

The Frosties mascot first swore a vendetta against Ricicles in the 1960s and, five decades later, has seen them removed from sale.

Tony said: “They were never worthy to share a shelf with the king of cereals. Let alone a Variety Pack.

“But, never popular, they clung to life for far longer than anyone could have thought possible. Always my inferior, trying desperate fads like marshmallows, never loved but still somehow there.

“I vanquished mascot after mascot. Noddy, originally. My own ‘brother’ Tony Jr, in the 1980s, twisted lie that he was. And finally Captain Rik the astronaut, last to feel the kiss of my claws.

“Now, Ricicles are no more. They will not be missed. No social media campaign will be launched to bring them back. Even the stoned will not mourn them.

“What now? Coco the Monkey, and his jungle army? Perhaps. Predators such as I do not rest. They only kill.”

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92 per cent of English people think all Scottish people know each other

ALL Scottish people are either related or went to school together, according to the vast majority of English people.

A survey for the Joseph Rowntree Institute found that when confronted with a new Scottish person most English people will automatically ask if they know the last Scottish person they met.

Institute spokesman Wayne Hayes, said: “A typical scenario will be at a middle class party when a Scottish person is introduced.

“Within moments he or she will be asked if they know ‘wee Tommy from the glen, used to take us fishing, lovely chap, quite a temper, four foot six, smelled of pee, you must know him’.”

According to the survey, nine out of 10 English people will assume that the Scottish person knows Sean Connery, Lulu and Kenny Dalglish.

Hayes added: “Another typical comment would be, ‘you sound just like Alan Hansen, I suppose you must have been in jail together at some point’.”

Scotsman Bill McKay said: “Like virtually everyone else in Scotland, I only know five people.”