Britain reluctantly defends May against insane fascist

THE nation has reluctantly come to the defence of Theresa May after she was attacked for totally unfair reasons for once. 

The prime minister was attacked by President Trump for daring to half-heartedly object to his dissemination of far-right propaganda, causing Britain to rally around a woman they unreservedly hate.

Helen Archer of Colchester said: “Hey. She may be a useless fucking idiot, but she’s our idiot.

“It’s weird because until he hit back, we all agreed her weak attempt at a reprimand was as pathetic as everything else she does. But the second Trump had a go, I felt unfamilar patriotism swelling.

“Only we’re allowed to slag her off, you citrus prick. She’s shit, but she’s nowhere near as shit as you.”

Teacher Susan Traherne agreed: “I actually wrote a Facebook post in May’s defence. It was excruciating. My fingers suddenly felt all heavy, and everything in me wanted to delete it, but it had to be done.

“I just hope Trump moves on to someone else soon, so we can all go back to taking the piss out of her disastrous premiership and normal order can be restored.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Brexit divorce gives Northern Ireland to UK in week and EU at weekends

THE UK has agreed to share custody of Northern Ireland with the EU, and that it will look after the province Monday to Friday and split school holidays. 

After a financial settlement was agreed yesterday, the two parties have now come to an amicable agreement about the statelet with its best interests and future at heart.

Brexit minister David Davis said: “I sat down with Northern Ireland today and explained that sometimes countries, and unions of countries, don’t make each other happy any more.

“But that doesn’t mean we love it any less, and it definitely isn’t any of its fault.

“I just hope that flash bastard Barnier doesn’t spoil it. We all know he’s got all the bloody money – my money – so there’s no need to rub it in.”

Barnier said: “I do have a lot on already and I’ve got committments to other countries, but I realy believe we can make this work. Though it’ll have to get used to spending more time with Slovenia.”

A spokesman for Northern Ireland said: “This is all because of me, isn’t it. I’m going goth to show them.”