Trump retweets Britain First in attempt to win Royal wedding invite

DONALD Trump has retweeted a far-right party’s Islamophobic propaganda in an attempt to get an invite to the Royal wedding. 

The US president, who believes the gilded but meaningless occasion would be a perfect fit for his talents, thought the Britain First tweets were the perfect way to ingratiate himself with the Royal family.

Trump said: “Britain First. That says it all. And I know they’re going to love it.

“The Queen I think votes Britain First. I actually think that’s her party. So I think I did a great thing there, for the British people. Theresa May? Supports Sharia law. A lot of people have told me that.

“They actually want me to officiate at the wedding. I won’t do that, I said, so I’m going to give Miss Markle away. She doesn’t want her father, her father’s no good, so Trump’s giving her away, okay? It’ll be beautiful.”

A spokesman for Buckingham Palace said: “Unfortunately Windsor Castle, where the wedding will take place, is slap bang in the middle of one of London’s many Muslim no-go areas Mr Trump knows so much about.”

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‘Fake news CNN’ urged to just dig up the dirt that sends this f**ker to jail

AMERICAN media, dubbed ‘fake news’ by Donald Trump, have been urged to finally unearth the story that will leave him rotting in a prison cell.

As Trump retweeted fake, anti-Muslim videos from British fascists and then urged a boycott of ‘fake news CNN’, leading figures around the world pleaded with journalists to ‘just nail this fucker once and for all and let us get on with our lives’.

Pope Francis said: “Jesus wept. It’s every fucking day with this dickbag. Surely to God there must be something in the Russia thing? What about all his property deals? Come on.

“At the very least there must be a tape recording of him somewhere saying something unbelievably racist? Dig that up an I’ll stand at my little balcony at the Vatican and endorse the shit out of it.”

The Pontiff added: “I just want a US president who doesn’t make me want to puke, do you know what I mean?”

A spokesman for the Nobel Institute said: “We absolutely guarantee a Nobel Prize for the journalist who finally does the business and rids us all of this gigantic anal wart.”