Turkey best eaten straight out of the fridge with hands at 11pm, confirm experts

FOOD scientists have confirmed that the best way to eat turkey is in quick little handfuls while standing in a kitchen illuminated only by the fridge.

For decades the debate has been dominated by roasting and basting methods, but new research has found that furtively stuffing it into your mouth cold is when it tastes best.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “It doesn’t matter whether you serve it wrapped in parma ham or roasted in grass-fed butter, everything is inferior to ripping it straight from the carcass with your own grubby mitts.

“Eating it from a plate rapidly diminishes mouthfeel enjoyment, while the fear of being shouted at by a matriarchal figure if you’re caught scarfing it straight from the fridge has been proved to enhance the taste.

“Our scientists still haven’t been able to pinpoint exactly why turkey never tastes nice when prepared in the intended way and served for the whole family for dinner, yet is delicious when feeling bored because Nan wants to watch Christmas Songs of Praise.

“But we’ll keep striving to find out, because people deserve answers. Most notably the poor bastard who spent all day slaving to cook it before being told that chicken would have been nicer.”

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Children confirm Christmas Day was perfect day to meet Dad's new girlfriend

THE children of a divorced man have confirmed they could not imagine a better time to meet their father’s new partner than Christmas Day.

Abby, aged 11, and seven-year-old Jake were celebrating their first Christmas at their Dad’s only for him to make the day extra-special by introducing them to a stranger called Lydia he has been sleeping with for four months.

Abby said: “What an occasion to meet a blonde woman who keeps touching your father in ways you find uncomfortable. I’ll be carrying this trauma well into adulthood.

“It’s nice that a day of magic and wonder has mainly been focused on an adult stranger whose relationship to me that is the literal stuff of fairytale villainy.

“On the upside, she did bring us presents. I guess she’s trying to buy her way into our hearts. I now have an Urban Decay eyeshadow palette she gets on discount from her job in John Lewis.”

Jake added: “Christmas was great. Dad felt so bad when I cried after he told us who the scary lady was that I got to eat chocolate instead of Christmas dinner.”

Father Julian Cook said: “I wanted all the people I love most to be in the same room this Christmas, even if they don’t know each other and they’re unprepared for it.

“Kids love surprises, don’t they?”