FOOD scientists have confirmed that the best way to eat turkey is in quick little handfuls while standing in a kitchen illuminated only by the fridge.
For decades the debate has been dominated by roasting and basting methods, but new research has found that furtively stuffing it into your mouth cold is when it tastes best.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “It doesn’t matter whether you serve it wrapped in parma ham or roasted in grass-fed butter, everything is inferior to ripping it straight from the carcass with your own grubby mitts.
“Eating it from a plate rapidly diminishes mouthfeel enjoyment, while the fear of being shouted at by a matriarchal figure if you’re caught scarfing it straight from the fridge has been proved to enhance the taste.
“Our scientists still haven’t been able to pinpoint exactly why turkey never tastes nice when prepared in the intended way and served for the whole family for dinner, yet is delicious when feeling bored because Nan wants to watch Christmas Songs of Praise.
“But we’ll keep striving to find out, because people deserve answers. Most notably the poor bastard who spent all day slaving to cook it before being told that chicken would have been nicer.”