Five ways to make the least of Twixmas

SPEND quality time with loved ones? Achieve goals that would make you proud? Or piss away the promise of these five days pointlessly? Here’s how: 

Eat the cheese until it’s all gone

There is a lot of cheese in your fridge, far more than any artery needs, which presents the most wonderful challenge to you this Twixmas. It would be immoral to begin the new year with all that around, so you have a responsibility to stay home and double down on the cheese and crackers. Or just the cheese.

Shop the online sales

There are discounts in shops! Not like there were on Black Friday or Cyber Monday or at the end of the summer or every time a company emails you. These are definitely different discounts, and you don’t have to shift your arse to get them. You’ll find that browsing stuff you don’t want or need simply eats time.

Get ill

Avoided illness before Christmas? Indulge yourself now. Open your airways, drop your defences, give your white blood cells the week off and invite in seasonal bugs like an aristocrat welcoming in the poor for Christmas. The days will pass in a blur of being sick and miserable. It’ll be 2023 before you know it.

Fall out with a family member

Long days with relatives are ripe for old feuds, ancient grudges and even brand new spats. Christmas has given you the ammo, so now’s the time to wage all-out family war. The right row can simmer for the whole period, wasting your whole holiday on relatives you won’t see for another year once you’re back at work.

Fret about New Year

Decided where you’re going to be? Are you sure? Is it definitely the best possible way to spend what is, after all, the most important night out of the year? Why not fritter away the productivity and happiness of these precious days by considering endless possibilities? The WhatsApp groups you spam with ‘Guys what about this?’ will thank you.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Everyone has great Christmas in EastEnders

THE cast of EastEnders have enjoyed a happy, restful and peaceful Christmas entirely free of murder, divorce, fistfights, or cancer diagnoses. 

The highlight of the Christmas Day episode was when Kim and Denise opened their presents to each other and cooed with delight, having got just the gifts they wanted.

Meanwhile a festive meal at Phil Mitchell’s house passed tranquilly as Phil, Kat and Alfie enjoyed convivial conversation over a turkey and prosecco, agreeing heartily about everything.

Lola, meanwhile, having discovered on Christmas Eve that her terminal brain tumour was actually just a migraine, enjoys a game of charades and declares this ‘the best Christmas ever’.

And wait – who’s this riding a sleigh into Albert Square? Why, ho ho ho, it’s Ian Beale dressed as Santa, returning to bring presents for the children and goodwill and cheer to a Walford already bursting with festive peace and camaraderie.

Mick Carter leaves for a lucrative career as a Cockney villain in Hollywood, and the show ended with a montage of characters slumbering in armchairs after a perfectly lovely day.

Producer Tom Logan said: “After a year like 2022, why would we make Britain suffer through bleak, miserable and implausible plotlines? It’s Christmas, for f**k’s sake.”