Killjoy family already taking decorations down

A FAMILY with a low tolerance for nonsense is already packing up the Christmas tree and associated decorations.

After decorating the tree on Christmas Eve, and silently tolerating its unfamiliar presence in the lounge for an entire day, the Booker family began taking down the tree and all associated seasonal fripperies immediately after breakfast.

Dad Thomas said: “This is our favourite bit of the holidays. We get through the dinner, the presents, and the Mrs Brown’s Boys special with gritted teeth because we know this is around the corner. It never disappoints.

“The kids are up at 6am because they’re too excited to sleep, then we sneak downstairs and start packing up tinsel and putting cards in the recycling. By 10am you’d think it was any ordinary day.”

Wife Liz said: “I don’t understand the freaks who keep their houses looking festive until Twelfth Night. Christmas decorations are for Christmas Day only. Clue’s in the name.

“Now we’re looking forward to New Year’s Eve, when we’ll stay up until five past midnight for the solemn changing of the kitchen calendar. Can’t wait.”

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Culture war soldiers hold truce for Boxing Day football game

WARRIORS in Britain’s culture war have waved the white flag to hold a Boxing Day game of football. 

From both sides of the cultural divide, commentators have silenced their tweets, climbed out of their entrenched views and embraced each other as if the enemy were fragile humans just like them.

Julia Hartley-Brewer said: “I woke and realised the constant barrage of wokeness had stopped. Peeking over the parapet, I saw Ash Sarkar waving a flag.

“We staggered out to meet the enemy, leaving our prejudices behind us. They didn’t raise the Rwanda flights. I kept silent on Drag Queen Story Hour. Both sides pretended Liz Truss had never happened.

“Overcome with fellow feeling, James O’Brien got a football out and we played as if our rivalry was a mere difference of opinion, not life or death. As if what united us was greater than what divided us in this damned, dirty little war.

“Owen Jones proved a surprisingly nimble striker. He put one past our keeper Darren Grimes, who laughed and hugged him, and in the fading light they seemed just two young boys for whom life could have held so much promise.

“As dusk fell, we shook hands and parted. They have their orders from George Soros, and we ours from Rupert Murdoch. Tomorrow we will be enemies again. But today we were the same.”