SUPERMARKETS no longer just tell you what’s in the packet – expect oodles of flavour, slathers of olive oil and dollops of pretentious bollocks. Here’s how they reel in their poncey customers.
Ingredients come as a sprinkle, a dab or a splash. These ridiculous nouns are HIGHLIGHTED in big LETTERS. Hey presto – idiots cream themselves over overpriced store cupboard ingredients. Crumbs of dry cheese suddenly become ‘a scatter of Parmesan’ and a packet of salt somehow seems worth a fiver when it’s ‘a generous jolt of the sea’.
Is this a box of granola or your new best friend? The more wordy and pally the chit-chat on the packet, the less you’ll care about the hefty price. Enjoy the honesty and openness of a pack of sesame bagels, or the crazy life story of some mass-produced hazelnut shortbread.
Overly descriptive packaging
This packaging relies on sumptuous detail: the succulence of hand-reared lamb, the floral tang of homegrown rosemary… you’ll forget they can’t possibly deliver all that in a packet of bloody crisps. After parting with £6.50, under no circumstances admit they taste like beef Wotsits.
This isn’t about words, just looks. Sophisticated fonts and colours can dress up salted peanuts as haute cuisine, particular with a posh but possibly made-up name, eg. Sandringbourne Estates. Tragically, a talented artist has probably wasted their skills turning bits of dead fish into an elegant artwork that could hold its own in the Louvre.
From silly food puns to cheap gags, crap humour shifts food. Chortle at a pack of smoked mackerel that proclaims ‘I’m a good catch’ or ‘Bee’s Knees’ brand honey. Then realise you’re a f**king idiot and you’ve just paid far too much for some nasty oat milk called ‘Get Your Oats’.