Twattish food packaging descriptions to delight middle class people

SUPERMARKETS no longer just tell you what’s in the packet – expect oodles of flavour, slathers of olive oil and dollops of pretentious bollocks. Here’s how they reel in their poncey customers.

Funly-worded packaging

Ingredients come as a sprinkle, a dab or a splash. These ridiculous nouns are HIGHLIGHTED in big LETTERS. Hey presto – idiots cream themselves over overpriced store cupboard ingredients. Crumbs of dry cheese suddenly become ‘a scatter of Parmesan’ and a packet of salt somehow seems worth a fiver when it’s ‘a generous jolt of the sea’.

Chatty packaging

Is this a box of granola or your new best friend? The more wordy and pally the chit-chat on the packet, the less you’ll care about the hefty price. Enjoy the honesty and openness of a pack of sesame bagels, or the crazy life story of some mass-produced hazelnut shortbread.

Overly descriptive packaging

This packaging relies on sumptuous detail: the succulence of hand-reared lamb, the floral tang of homegrown rosemary… you’ll forget they can’t possibly deliver all that in a packet of bloody crisps. After parting with £6.50, under no circumstances admit they taste like beef Wotsits.

Posh-looking packaging 

This isn’t about words, just looks. Sophisticated fonts and colours can dress up salted peanuts as haute cuisine, particular with a posh but possibly made-up name, eg. Sandringbourne Estates. Tragically, a talented artist has probably wasted their skills turning bits of dead fish into an elegant artwork that could hold its own in the Louvre.

‘Witty’ packaging

From silly food puns to cheap gags, crap humour shifts food. Chortle at a pack of smoked mackerel that proclaims ‘I’m a good catch’ or ‘Bee’s Knees’ brand honey. Then realise you’re a f**king idiot and you’ve just paid far too much for some nasty oat milk called ‘Get Your Oats’.

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Djokovic to defend title via Zoom

TENNIS star Novak Djokovic is to compete in the Australian Open remotely via Zoom, it has been confirmed.

With Australia cancelling Djokovic’s visa for a second time ahead of his first match on Monday, the 34-year-old Serbian will work from home by playing all of his games over the video conferencing platform.

His agent said: “We’ll place a laptop on the court with the webcam facing his opponent, then he’ll dial in from the comfort of his sofa in Belgrade. It’s not an ideal solution, but this is what the new normal looks like.

“People in the room will throw balls at him and he’ll volley them right back at 125mph. It was either that or the whole competition would be conducted via email, which I think you’ll agree would be ridiculous.

“The only other solution would be to get vaccinated or fill out the correct paperwork ahead of travel. But if you’ve ever met Djokovic or seen him on TV then you’ll know that sane, rational behaviour is off the table.”

Ball boy Martin Bishop said: “It’s the laptop I’m worried about. If it freezes for a second and costs him a point then he’ll pulverise it with his racket.”