What does your hangover pizza say about you?

IF there’s one thing our divided nation can agree on, it’s getting hammered on Friday and treating the resulting hangover with judiciously applied pizza the next day.

But what does your choice say about you?

Deliveroo from proper restaurant

Choosing the refined option likely means your hangover results from a complex Merlot or craft ales from from a micro-brewery. You’ve showered, may even be dressed, and will watch a subtitled film before giving up and falling asleep beneath the Culture section of the Times.

Pizza Express

Pizza Express delivery? You’re a down-the-line middle-class hangover sufferer fortifying yourself with extra dough balls before spending the afternoon with Downton Abbey. Supermarket Pizza Express? You’re a thrifty forward planner with a bargain hangover caused by a litre of Vanilla Smirnoff on 40 per cent discount from Asda.


Today’s hangover came with a large side-order of self-loathing and you need to be punished. You’ll take your pizza in bed, along with chips, Coke and six chocolate fudge brownies, before slumping asleep in front of a sticky laptop showing Friends with porn looping in another tab.

Corner shop

You’re either a student or still drunk but regardless you are in many ways the bravest of them all. You’ve left the house, interacted with a human and are killing your usual hangover with a vaguely Italian name, microscopic amounts of cheese and cuts to the roof of your mouth. You will be drunk again before nightfall.

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Middle class man thinks he's an expert on street crime

A MIDDLE class man is weirdly knowledgeable about contemporary gang life, people have noticed.

Friends of Norman Steele are puzzled and slightly disturbed by his familiarity with gang weapons and tactics due to him being a 44-year-old accountant who owns a bread maker.

Colleague Stephen Malley said: “Norman’s full of weird information such as ‘a favoured weapon is the MAC-10 machine gun but it is notoriously difficult to control’.

“Some of it’s quite gruesome, like ‘a popular non-fatal gang punishment is stabbing someone in the buttocks’. I’m sure only actual gang members know this stuff.

“Unfortunately he appears to be picking up the lingo too. Yesterday he said he’d completed a ‘bare’ spreadsheet, and was going home to his ‘ends’, which is a large detached house with an ornamental pond.

“He’s clearly developed a vicarious interest in street crime because he’s a Guardian reader from Cheltenham looking for cheap thrills. Unless he’s moonlighting as a Yardie.”

Steele said: “Has Stephen got beef with me? I could merk his pussy ass but I’ll probably just ‘lose’ his favourite stapler.”