Five new dating trends to make you think 'F**k it, I'll stay single'

ARE you new to the dating scene? Here are some freakish dating behaviours you’ll encounter in our weird modern world.


Has your date abruptly stopped replying to texts, calls and emails as if you don’t exist? This is ‘ghosting’. It’s disturbing, but on the bright side you’ve avoided getting married to someone with the social skills of Norman Bates.

Do check you’ve definitely been ghosted. They might be dead and you’ve been slagging them off to all your friends. You arsehole.  


When someone doesn’t actually want to meet you, they just want to send you flirty texts while eating a ham baguette in their dressing gown. Can be a great relationship if you’re a really lazy bastard.


If someone takes five days to reply to your text, you have been ‘curved’. They’re not really into you, but they’re keeping you on the back burner in case no one better comes along.

This is excellent if you like the excitement of wondering if your ‘partner’ is going to call you within the next month. Probably best to just key their car and calmly move on.


When someone has rejected you but keeps an eye on your social media posts in case you start to look a bit hotter. Fill your Facebook page with mindbendingly tedious crap like going to Asda so at least they’ll be bored shitless.


When someone threatens to end the relationship but takes three years to actually go. Even then they won’t split up properly and will keep popping round to use your toilet and ask if you want a shag.


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New vegans warned to monitor self-deception levels

PEOPLE starting a vegan diet need to ensure they are pretending that their food tastes like nicer things, according to experts.

Anyone taking up a plant-based diet should check that their body is producing enough beliefs that vegetables taste like non-vegan food, although they clearly do not.

Nutritionist Nikki Hollis explained: “The most important part of veganism is the ability to lie to yourself all the time.

“That means pretending the cakes don’t fall apart as soon as you look at them, there isn’t a bit of powder in your mouth after drinking oat milk, and a big slice of cauliflower is in any way a replacement for a steak.”

However Hollis conceded that there was one area of self-delusion even the most committed vegan could not master.

She said: “We now accept that calling it vegan ‘cheese’ was a step too far. It really does taste like feet.”

Hollis added that self-deception was also important for carnivores, who had to pretend eating huge amounts of red meat was manly when just lifting a frying pan left them out of puff.