What does your 'milk alternative' choice say about you?

DO YOU prefer disgusting synthetic milk to the normal kind? Here’s what your alternative milk choice says about you.

Goat’s milk

There are few substances out there that can make a cup of tea taste worse than goat’s milk can. You are a masochistic weirdo.

Rice milk

If ever there was a drink for puritanical miseries who don’t want to over excite their taste buds, it’s rice milk. You are probably the resident counsellor at a ‘wellness festival’.

Coconut milk

People who enjoy coconut milk essentially want their food and drink to be either a pudding or a cocktail. Stop pretending to be a saint and tuck into a sticky toffee pudding and a Pina Colada.

Hemp milk

Hemp milk is highly sustainable but comes in a notoriously difficult to recycle Tetra Pak. The perfect milk alternative for pretend hippies or two-faced bastards.

Pea milk

If you find yourself purchasing ‘milk’ made from peas and it makes you feel wholesome and special instead of mentally unstable, you’re either Gwyneth Paltrow or you need to take a good hard look at your life choices.

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Mum perfects method of asking about children's careers in way that implies failure

A MOTHER has perfected a way of enquiring about her children’s careers that implies they’ve completely arsed their lives up, it has emerged.

Mother-of-three Mary Fisher has discovered the perfect tone of voice and phrasing to make her kids feel wholly inadequate, while still maintaining plausible deniability.

She said: “All I did was ask if my daughter Nikki had heard back from a job interview she went on three months ago and she flew off the handle.

“It was a genuine question. I don’t see the problem.”

Daughter Nikki Hollis said: “Of course I didn’t get it. It was three months ago, she’d know by now. Why would I get an incredible new job and keep it a secret?

“Even if I did get it, it wouldn’t be enough for her. She’d immediately ask how much it paid then make a disappointed ‘huh’ noise, before pointing out it’s half what my brother Nathan earns.”

Mary Fisher added: “Hang on a sec just got to make a call…Nathan, darling, just wondering who they promoted in the end, you or that fellow you hate?”