'What vegans want is more pretend blood in their food'

CREATORS of a vegetarian burger that ‘bleeds’ are confident that meat-hating vegans are going to love it.

The meat-free burger, made mostly from beetroot and broken dreams also contains gristle made from avocado.

Vegan blood burger manufacturer, Dave Howard said: “Our goal was to give vegans all the benefits of eating a dead animal but without any of the guilt.

“We are even working on a plant-based red ‘meat’ that still increases the risk of heart disease and a quorn steak that quietly ‘moos’ when you slice it.”

Vegan, Emma Howard said: “When I went vegan I assumed I’d never enjoy bleeding flesh again so this is a dream come true.

“On the other hand – what the fuck?”

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Neo-Nazi starting to think career opportunities may be a bit limited

A FASCIST is beginning to suspect there are no opportunities for promotion or earning a decent salary in Britain’s neo-Nazi movement.

Despite being a member of Aryan Action for 12 years, Martin Bishop has never been paid for his tireless work reading racist literature and shouting rubbish about Muslims at demonstrations.

Bishop, unemployed, said: “The actual Nazis all seemed to be pretty well-paid. Also they got free workwear, whereas I have to shell out for my own bomber jackets and ski masks.

“I put in at least 35 hours a week on useful neo-Nazi activities, but Aryan Action won’t even reimburse my train fare to demos or pay for a new swastika flag for the lounge.

“I’m also concerned about the lack of a formal career structure. No one’s asked me where I expect to be in the organisation in five years, or sent me on a training course to improve my racism skills.

“When I joined Aryan Action my mate Steve joined Vodafone. He worked his way up to regional manager on 55k and I’m still struggling to buy clothes for my kids, Adolf, Eva and Wehrmacht.”

Bishop is currently applying for a job in a local bank, but is concerned about the large SS tattoo on his neck being an impediment to customer-facing roles.