All men are twats, says woman exclusively attracted to twats

A WOMAN only ever romantically involved with utter dickheads believes, based on her own experience, that all men are utter dickheads. 

Nikki Hollis, aged 27, is convinced that the male population is solely made up of shitbags as a result of her dysfunctional brain functioning as a shitbag-seeking missile.

She said: “It’s not just me imagining this. It’s every boyfriend I’ve ever had.

“I get the guys all the girls want: the bikers, the bad boys, the brooding alcoholics, the men with intense, complicated personal lives who still sleep with their ex sometimes to help her out. But they always turn out to be arseholes.

“My friends keep saying there are nice guys out there. Yeah? I thought Kieran was one, which is why I let him move in after a week and live rent-free while he wrote his poetry, before he ghosted me.

“Men are twats. It’s a fact. All my mates’s boyfriends are probably cheating on them. That Spanish bloke Amy went out with definitely was, because it was me he was cheating with. What can I say. The attraction was impossible to deny.

“Anyway, I’m pretty hopeful about this next date. He’s not technically single but he said something about an open relationship so at least I know he’s honest.”

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Battery farm chicken can't believe it downsized this much to live in London

A BATTERY farmed chicken that moved from its tiny, inhumane space on a poultry farm to London can’t believe how much room she has given up to live in the capital.

Chicken, Emma Bradford, told her friends and family that despite it still being early days, she does miss having that little bit of extra room to move around in that she had ‘back up up North.’

Bradford said: “It’s obviously great living in London – the theatres, the galleries, the pop-up food stands.

“But I’m not going to lie, I do miss the extra leg room that I had back on the living Hell that was the poultry farm.

“But this is where all the auditions are so I guess I’m just going to have to deal with it.”