Woman cooks meal to blackmail friends into coming to her flat

A WOMAN has deviously cooked a meal to force her mates to come to her place rather than go out to meet them.

Nikki Hollis offered to cook knowing it would coerce friends into gruelling bus and train journeys to her flat in Roundhay, Leeds, while she only had to visit Morrisons down the road.

Hollis said: “I sent out an innocent-sounding email saying ‘Hey, instead of going out why don’t I make a nice meal for everyone?’ and the idiots walked straight into the trap.

“I didn’t even go to much trouble. Fancy pasta, onions, mince, and the same sauce I’ve been making since I was a student. They’ll have to say it’s nice whatever.

“And for that minimal outlay I get all the joy of not going out. My flat’s a real pain in the anus to get to, but I didn’t have to travel further than my living room for a good booze-up with all my friends.

“Their evening was blighted by missing night buses, sharing Ubers and coming to pick up the car before 8am the next morning, but that’s their problem. I was all drunk and comfy in bed by midnight, so I win.”

Friend Emma Bradford said: “I knew full well what the conniving bitch was up to. I’d have said something but I want her to come to my ‘fajita night’. It’s a conspiracy of silence.”

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Secret to female orgasm is 'doing stuff they actually like'

THE secret to the female orgasm is to just ask them what they actually like and then do it, researchers have found.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The way it works is this – you have a sit down with her, ask her what she’s into and what she’s not into. Take notes if need be.

“Once you have the list you can discuss how you should proceed, and then you focus on meeting her demands.

“As long you continue to follow the simple instructions, the orgasm should happen as planned.”

He added: “I can’t believe it took this long to figure it out. Better late than never.”