Woman gets fancy Easter egg instead of the bucket of Flakes she wanted

A WOMAN has been let down by her boyfriend’s gift of a small, expensive dark chocolate Easter egg instead of a big cheap one that absolutely does the business. 

Helen Archer was given the 70 per cent organic cocoa solids egg, which rested on a sheet of chocolate gold leaf, by partner Stephen Malley and immediately noted that it was not very large.

She then realised that it contained no tray of chocolates, nor was it accompanied by up to six chocolate bars.

She said: “When I said ‘let’s get each other proper eggs this year’ I meant the one that’s basically a bucket full of Flakes, not this bollocks.

“Still, though it’s only small, it’s that chocolate that’s not very nice, so it’ll last longer. That’s probably why they do it. Oh, I see there’s ginger in the shell. Lovely.

“Lads, here’s a bit of advice. If it’s got fancy patterns or gold spray or a bow around it or it’s smaller than your head, fuck it off.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Families gather to sing jolly songs about brutal execution

FAMILIES have joined together to sing jolly little songs about the time a man was brutally nailed to a cross.

The annual sing-song also features catchy numbers about corpses rising from graves, lots of blood and the blessed mercy of unknowable, omnipotent beings.

The Reverend Susan Traherne said: “All the kids have drawn lovely pictures of Our Lord and Saviour up on the cross, where he died in agony.

“They narrated his journey to betrayal and the tomb, then we did some really uplifting songs about how the tomb could not hold him and he rose again and went to see all his old mates who’d lied about him when he was dead.

“After that, which is the true meaning of Easter, we all go on a fun little hunt in the churchyard to find chocolate eggs. It’s what Jesus would’ve wanted.”