Woman violently throwing up tells waitress food was 'lovely, thanks'

A WOMAN vomiting due to food poisoning has reassured her waitress that her food was absolutely delicious and there was nothing wrong whatsoever.

In between retching into a potted plant, Emma Howard reiterated that there was no problem with her meal and gave her compliments to the chef through what she hoped was a winning bile-flecked smile.

She continued: “Urrp, I knew that chicken wasn’t cooked properly from the first bite. But the waitress was there and it’s so embarrassing being that person who complains.

“I’d feel so self-conscious bringing it up. Like when they served me a crab cake starter instead of the brie I ordered, and even though I’m allergic to shellfish I thought hives all over my body were better than making a fuss.

“And we were there an hour before they served us, and I saw a rat run out of the kitchen, but we’d already ordered drinks and I didn’t want to seem rude.

“I’d rather the earth swallow me whole than have to draw attention to myself by implying there was some kind of issue with the food. But I won’t be leaving a very large tip.”

Waitress Lauren Hewitt said: “She’s a much better customer than the guy who screamed at me because he didn’t like the colour of the wallpaper. I love working with the public.”

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A house, and other things that used to cost a tenner

INFLATION is above five per cent but wages are not keeping up, tragically, because this is what a tenner used to buy you: 

A house

Not a flat. An actual full-on house: both floors, a guest bedroom and a home office used to be your for ten English pounds. It might have taken you a while to scrap together your 75p deposit but you got something for your money. Nowadays it costs a tenner just to look in an estate agent’s window.

Passage to Australia

Right up until the 1970s, £10 used to pay all administrative fees for a two-month journey to Australia and full citizenship, a deal taken advantage of by most of AC/DC. Of course, when they arrived they were in a tropical paradise where land was cheap and opportunity plentiful so it wasn’t all easy.

Higher education

A tenner didn’t go towards tuition fees because they didn’t exist. Instead it was your annual budget for getting pissed down the Student Union, and you’d have to be a serious 12-pints-a-night drinker to get through it before June. Give an undergraduate ten quid today and they might be able to afford a half.

Private healthcare

In need of an emergency operation that only the most skilled of surgeons can perform? If you’re lucky enough to live in the past you can slide a tenner over to your GP’s receptionist, shoot them a cheeky wink, and sleep easy that all the expenses have been taken care of and then some. These days just arranging an appointment risks bankruptcy.

A family trip to the cinema

Not that long ago, ten pounds used to easily cover a ticket for you, your partner and your horde of fidgety kids, with enough change left over for pick ‘n’ mix and a round of Slush Puppies. Hand an usher a tenner in 2021 and they’ll have you forcibly ejected from the premises for taking the piss.