Sunday, 27th September 2020

Woman who accidentally cooked vegan meal making massive f**king deal about it

A WOMAN who has realised that the meal she has prepared happens to be vegan will not stop banging on about it.

Hannah Tomlinson of Wallingford is a committed carnivore who has never even contemplated the inconvenience of giving up meat but is determined to wring every drop of moral superiority from this happy accident.

She said: “It’s vegan. Are you enjoying it? Did you know it’s vegan? Because it’s vegan.

“I’ve always suspected that deep down I was a caring person who thinks about the planet so I guess this is proof. And I already feel so healthy! And thinner.

“Now I get why vegans are into it. The sense of self-righteousness is killer. It’s almost as good as the feeling I get from sinking my teeth into a rare steak.

“Yes I’ll be eating a chocolate mousse for pudding and drinking milk before bed and frying up bacon for breakfast, but the important thing is I’ve taken my first steps to a lifestyle of sanctimonious martyrdom.

“From now on, I’m definitely going to describe myself as ‘flexitarian’.”