Five elaborate sex positions that will destroy your love life

LOOKING to spice things up in the bedroom? Try these acrobatic and performative positions that will leave your partner wondering what they see in you.

The ‘that’s me done’

This popular position sees one of the participants selfishly achieve a sexual climax before rolling off and falling asleep without satisfying their partner. It’s almost forgivable once in a while but for maximum impact make this a staple of your very limited repertoire.

Anything you saw on PornHub

Trying to copy the positions of professional sex contortionists is bound to end in failure. And not the sort of failure you can both laugh off in the moment, the humiliating kind of failure which will necessitate a trip to casualty and a swift break up.

The ‘desperate beggar’

In this scenario one of you plays the person who’s had a long day at work and really just wants to watch telly, while the other party makes pathetically needy and unattractive advances. You might even be doing this one already without realising it.

A cheeky Dutch Ploughman

Such a carnal position that all trace of it has been scrubbed from the internet. It’s too much even for the dark web, and if you find someone who’s up for performing this depraved act you should run for the hills and change your identity so they never find you.

Unadulterated missionary

A strict routine of slow, pneumatic pistoning that lasts between nine to ten minutes will really take the fun out of getting hot and heavy. Sure, it might seem enjoyable at first, but if you do this and only this three times a week for five years you should start to see a result, which is likely to be divorce.

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Retired parents begin epic quest to buy a new frying pan

A WOMAN’S elderly parents have set out on a quest to replace a non-stick frying pan which could take weeks or even years.

Donna Sheridan’s mum and dad reluctantly accepted that the pan – worth £8 – was no longer functioning properly after several weeks of monitoring its ability to prevent fried eggs sticking.

Sheridan said: “There was a sombre atmosphere in the house, like a bereavement. But I know from past experience that what is to follow will be far worse.

“Mum looked at similar frying pans in Sainsbury’s last week, but didn’t want to ‘take the plunge’. Instead she thought it best to discuss it with dad, which so far has taken about three hours over several nights.

“They spent the weekend comparing frying pans on Amazon, Homebase and John Lewis, but now they’ve gone off the idea of buying one online because of Russian hackers.

“Where we’re at now pan-wise is a tentative plan to go to the big Asda 15 miles away. Although last night they did a lot of soul-searching about whether they should be eating fried breakfasts at all.”

Sheridan’s mum has now put the purchase on hold while she asks her sister Barbara what sort of frying pan she owns, at which point Donna went into the garden and screamed.