THE National Health Service is now mainly employed as a device for extracting fat from chocoholics, experts have claimed.
The Institute for Studies found that around 80% of NHS time and resources were devoted to anaesthetising flabby women before gouging out great chunks of them or fitting them with a Snickers funnel.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Our team of researchers spent a day with 10 large NHS trust hospitals and kept getting knocked over by massive ladies.
“As soon as you get back on your feet there’s another one bearing down on you. Eventually you have to scurry along the floor like a mouse and hope you don’t get trodden on by one of these chocolate-flavoured leviathans.
“Occasionally one of them crashes to the floor and all they can then do is put up some screens and suck the lard out of her right there in the corridor.
“It makes a hell of a noise. I suspect it sounds a bit like hoovering the inside of a horse.”
The department of health insisted that reducing the size of fat ladies was cheaper and more efficient than letting them get so fat that they start to make other people feel sick.
A spokesman said: “Fern Britton’s Snickers funnel will save this country Â£2bn over the next 10 years in lost productivity and dry cleaning.”
But Professor Brubaker added: “Fair enough, but it’s still a lot more expensive than just telling her to get a fucking grip.”