Advice on booster rollout boils down to 'just f**king get it'

THE advice of scientists in regard to receiving a Covid vaccination booster can be summed up as ‘just f**king get it’.

The many variables involved in receiving a booster, including age and pre-existing conditions, can be ignored by most people because they boil down to ‘just f**king get it when you’re told and stop bloody whingeing’, according to the UK’s vaccine advisory body.

Dr Helen Archer said: “Do you need to know the ins and outs of how we’re getting more doses into people’s arms? No. Just turn up when you get invited, sit in a chair and let someone jab you. It’s not f**king hard.

“We’ll explain to the prime minister how the booster scheme will work with the help of glove puppets, but honestly this is just a professional courtesy. We’re going to go ahead with it anyway even if he doesn’t understand it, which he won’t.

“Do you ask for the manufacturer of your tetanus jab? Do you weigh up different antibiotics when you’ve got an ear infection? No. So stop pissing us about with this.

“All you need to know is: we’ve made a miracle drug, we’re giving it to you for free, and it doesn’t track your movements through microchips. That’s what your phone’s for.”

She added: “Oh yeah, and wear a mask. Otherwise people will think you’re one of the Piers Corbyn mob.”

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I’m A Celebrity cancellation officially proves Wales less hospitable than jungle

THE cancellation of I’m A Celebrity has proven once and for all that Wales is more hostile to human life than the deep Australian jungle. 

The show has already lost a contestant before it was forced off air by Storm Arwen and may not be able to return because Wales is simply not survivable and it is foolish to attempt it.

Ant, from Ant and Dec, said: “In the Australian jungle we were in an uninhabited region 50 miles from the nearest town, packed with venomous snakes and deadly spiders. Humans weren’t meant to live there. On your own you’d be dead in a week.

“So when we were forced to film in Britain we thought we’d go somewhere equally inhospitable. But we never imagined this.

“In the jungle they’re camped in the open. Here, even protected by thick castle walls, we were looking at eleven dead celebrities over one November weekend.

“We underestimated Wales. Only the Antarctic and the Sahara desert are more bitterly opposed to life. I salute the amphibious vowelless semi-humans who cling to existence here. And I fear them.

“The crew and I are preparing to escape. We may lose a few celebrities in the attempt – Simon Gregson, probably – but we believe we can make it over the border. God willing.”

Richard Madeley said: “I escaped by faking illness. The rest of them are doomed.”