Sunday, 25th October 2020

A&E targets to be changed to 'If you're not dead'

THE government has announced it is scrapping waiting time targets for A&E and will instead consider it a success if some patients survive.

After the worst A&E figures on record were released, the definition of good care will simply be changed to at least some people not being dead.

A government spokesman said: “Rather than work harder to try and hit targets we think it’s better to get rid of them altogether and turn A&E departments into real-time natural selection arenas instead.

“So if you’re healthy enough to make it through several hours of lying on a cold floor with a potentially life-threatening injury you’ll eventually get to see a doctor. Everyone else will simply die.

“That means you won’t take up a bed space that could have been used by a more useful member of society. It makes perfect sense when you think about it.”

He added: “Our other option was to just abolish the NHS altogether, so if you can’t afford treatment you will definitely die, thus solving the problem of poverty as well. 

“But we’re still in the post-election honeymoon phase of making Boris Johnson appear ‘nice’, so that will have to wait for a month or two.”