A&E targets to be changed to 'If you're not dead'

THE government has announced it is scrapping waiting time targets for A&E and will instead consider it a success if some patients survive.

After the worst A&E figures on record were released, the definition of good care will simply be changed to at least some people not being dead.

A government spokesman said: “Rather than work harder to try and hit targets we think it’s better to get rid of them altogether and turn A&E departments into real-time natural selection arenas instead.

“So if you’re healthy enough to make it through several hours of lying on a cold floor with a potentially life-threatening injury you’ll eventually get to see a doctor. Everyone else will simply die.

“That means you won’t take up a bed space that could have been used by a more useful member of society. It makes perfect sense when you think about it.”

He added: “Our other option was to just abolish the NHS altogether, so if you can’t afford treatment you will definitely die, thus solving the problem of poverty as well. 

“But we’re still in the post-election honeymoon phase of making Boris Johnson appear ‘nice’, so that will have to wait for a month or two.”

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Man ruins date with honest answer to 'What are you looking for?'

A MAN has ruined a date by giving an honest answer to the question, ‘What are you looking for in a relationship?’

Tom Booker, 33, had been having an enjoyable evening in a restaurant with Nikki Hollis, 34, until the tricky question came up.

Booker said: “We’d been having a really good night. A few drinks, lots of laughs and even making plans to do a pub quiz next week.

“Then she asked me and I froze. I just completely panicked and told her the truth.

“I said I really just wanted someone to have sex with me a few times a week, cook sometimes and give me an excuse not to go out anymore.

“I’m such an idiot, I should have said love and babies and all that stuff.”

Hollis later complained to a friend that all she had wanted was someone to take lots of drugs with and do crazy sex stuff.