Alcohol Is A Corrupting Influence On The Poor, Insists Ladies Temperance League

THE drinking of alcoholic liquer prevents the poor from carrying out their duties and if left unchecked will hasten the demise of the Empire, the Ladies Temperance League has warned.

The organisation, led by Mrs Eleanor Bentley of Dorking, has implored the Chancellor of the Exchequer to place a heavy burden of taxation upon gin, whisky, ale and porter at the time of his next annual budget.

Speaking to a packed meeting in Godalming town hall, Mrs Bentley said: "Our cherished England has become a truly wretched place, teeming with inebriation and unspeakable profanity. We have forsaken the Lord and his retribution shall be without mercy.

"Every day my ladies bring me new reports of Satan's corruption in the taverns and saloons of our grimy cities.

"Our once cheerful urchins now sway under the influence of rum, grow horns from their heads and feast on goat flesh at sunset.

"Last week I noticed the tell-tale watermarks of slovenliness on my dessert forks and when I confronted my kitchen maid I was assaulted by the stench of easy Spanish wine."

Mrs Bentley, the daughter of Admiral Sir Herbert Crundle of Witney, demanded the immediate removal of beer advertisements from the Daily Sketch and News Chronicle and condemned the editor of The Times for publishing an article about sherry.

The League is to join forces with other like-minded organisations including the Quakers, the Salvation Army and the Labour Party, with the goal of abolishing intoxicating beverages from our national life and restoring Great Britain on the path to righteousness.

God Save the King!

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Eat A Badger This Christmas, Urges Government

WITH Britain's turkey population teetering on the brink of a flu-ridden crisis, the public is being urged to eat a badger this Christmas.

Ministers are calling on local communities to organise themselves into roving badger squads to ensure Britain does not starve to death between 2pm and 6pm on December 25th.

Bill McKay, head of Christmas at the department of health, said: "I regret to announce that Britain's turkeys are now minging. Badger though, eh? Not bad.

"Badgers are nutritious and tasty, though I strongly recommend that you get yourself and your children very heavily drunk beforehand."

McKay added: "Badger hunting is a doddle. Main thing is to use the right bait –  preferably a combination of sweet corn, spinach, dead mice and Funky Town by Lipps Inc. They bloody love that."

According to government recommendations badger should be cooked with a meat stuffing such as goose or turkey and covered in a three-inch layer of bacon and marmalade.  

"If you put a gun to my head I would probably eat a very small bit inside a cheese toastie," said McKay.

But ministers are facing conflict after Britain's farmers demanded exclusive rights to fatten millions of badgers in tiny electrified cages.

An NFU spokesman said: "Do exactly what we want or we'll spray your houses with shit."