BRITISH holidaymakers in Portugal are filthy virus-spreaders who must quarantine for ten days as of… now, the government has confirmed.
Ministers have been careful to contrast yesterday’s returnees, good, upstanding citizens who put society before themselves, with the selfish, disease-ridden Typhoid Marys returning after 4am today.
Nigel Huddleston, minister for tourism, said: “If only all our decaying, dangerous army barracks weren’t already full of refugees, we could stick these septic scum in them.
“Let me reiterate that it was entirely within government guidelines to visit Portugal, which was on our green list, and I hope those people who returned in time enjoyed their holiday. However.
“Anyone who left these shores knew full well we could change the rules arbitrarily at any moment and by not arranging their immediate return, they have proved themselves mindless and lawless vermin who deserve ten years inside, not ten days.
“There are no excuses. 60 of you out for a wedding? More than enough to charter a plane. Retired couple visiting their grandchild? When better to learn to sail? Shifless, dirty bastards.”
Nathan Muir, aged 47, said: “I was booked on a flight at midnight so I was compliant and blameless, but it was cancelled so I’m unclean and infested. Such a fine line.”