Thursday, 13th May 2021

Become your WhatsApp group's resident Covid denier in six easy steps

BORED of coronavirus and endless lockdowns? Why not convince yourself and anyone unlucky enough to be in your WhatsApp group it’s a hoax? 

Misunderstand graphs

Spamming the group chat with screenshots of graphs will make you feel like a scientist, even though you know nothing about graphs except down is bad and up is good, apart from when it’s the reverse.

Share unhinged YouTube videos

Click on one, and suddenly every other YouTuber recommended knows the plandemic is locking down the world for China’s benefit to brainwash people into becoming communists like Microsoft billionaire Bill Gates. Anyone who disagrees is ‘sheeple’.

It’s all covered up

Bullshit you’ve read on Twitter been removed or flagged as containing questionable information? That’s Mark Zuckerberg and the New World Government covering it up. But it was true, definitely, and if you’d seen it you’d be convinced.

Retreat into vagueness

When asked to back up claims that the vaccine is nanomachines, don’t bother. Simply say ‘It’s all out there if you bother to look.’ Mysterious, compelling, and means you can say any old crap.

Have no solutions

You’re against lockdown and against the vaccine. When asked how infecting hundreds of thousands of people and overwhelming the NHS is a good idea, insinuate that nurses are all actors helping to perpetuate government lies.

Get chucked out of the WhatsApp group

You won’t mind though, because your friends are obviously credulous fools and your real mates are on your demented Covid-denying weekly Zoom quiz anyway.