Bed Full Of Frogs 'Bad For Sleep'

FILLING your bed with frogs before you go to sleep could stop you getting a decent night's rest, new research reveals.

Nikki Hollis, director of the Institute for Sleep, said two-thirds of those who shared their beds with the cold-blooded amphibians woke feeling tired and irritable.

The study found an increase in the number of people who took longer to enter the 'deep-sleep' phase, often because their bed was full of dozens of noisy frogs.

Hollis said: "These results are preliminary, but they suggest that people with sleep disorders should not put frogs in their bed."

Hollis said the best way to ensure a good night's sleep was to be active during the day, avoid coffee in the evening and try not to cover your bed with frogs, drawing pins, excrement or Amy Winehouse.

She added: "You should also make sure you actually go to bed rather than trying to sleep while balancing on top of a medicine ball while someone whips you with a hose."

However, Tom Logan, director of the Institute of Frogs, said: "This is an alarmist study by an organisation with a long-standing antipathy towards frogs.

"I sleep with a bed full of frogs every night, I use frogs in my car and I work with frogs all day. And there's nothing wrong frogs with me frogs."


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MPs To Debate Major European Zzzzzzzzzzz...

MPs will today begin the most important European debate for a generation, uniting sceptics across the political spectrum and oh who fucking cares? 

Senior Labour sources last night predicted that someone will say whatever it is they are talking about is a really great idea that will not lead to the creation of a European superstore run by cryogenically frozen Nazis.

The Conservatives are expected to accuse prime minister Gordon Brown of getting up at 4am every morning so he can fly to Paris and prepare breakfast for President Sarkozy and his latest dirty sex partner.

A Liberal Democrat spokesman said: "I went to Milan last year. Some kind of Ryanair deal. It was quite nice."

Meanwhile political analysts are at odds over what the important European thing means and whether it is exactly the same as an earlier European thing that no-one bothered to read.

Professor Wayne Hayes, of the Institute for Studies, said: "God, I hate my job. It's so fucking tedious. I wish I'd been a forensic scientist or David Attenborough's cameraman."

However, most agree that whatever the thing is, it could lead to UK foreign policy being decided by sophisticated European types, instead of a sordid collection of traditional British liars.

There are also concerns that moves to create a European super-army will mean British soldiers being forced to eat magnificent food instead of small blobs of reconstituted shit in a bap.