Brain damage is absolutely the point, explain cannabis users

CANNABIS users have explained the brain damage they suffer is the only thing that gets them through the same episode of Friends for the 12th time.

A study found that regular smokers damage the connections in their brains just so they can enjoy playing a Call of Duty map they have played a thousand times before.

Joseph Turner, from Warrington, said: “When you can’t can’t follow a Steven Seagal movie and spend 20 minutes looking for the lighter in your hand, you know it’s not making you, you know… smarter.

“Are people watching the Midsomer Murders unstoned? What a shame.”

Dr Mary Fisher said: “Potent cannabis makes the brain’s white matter less efficient, so users can have difficulty following complex thoughts.

“Alcohol, on the other hand, affects a broader range of grey matter functions including movement, speech, judgement and memory.

“You should always use both.”

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Smug twats planning to give art stuff to other people's children

A PAIR of childless, self-satisfied twats are buying their nieces and nephews some art equipment for Christmas.

Paul and Joanna Kramer are ignoring the children’s letters to Santa so they can give the ‘priceless gift of creativity’.

Joanna said: “There’s nothing more tragic than seeing a child’s inventive mind chained to a computer game or some awful branded Hollywood plastic.

“We used to give wooden toys, often bought from markets, but it wasn’t really getting across what a positive and special influence we are in the children’s lives.”

Paul added: “Patsy, who’s four, is getting oil pastels for landscapes. Six-year-old David is getting ink, parchment and a Chinese calligraphy brush, and Joshua, who’s ten, is getting a block of sculpting wax so he can cast his own bronzes.

“I can’t wait to see their little faces when they open their gifts and realise how thoughtful, caring and visionary their aunt and uncle are.”

Mother Nicola Kramer said: “I can’t wait to see their little faces too.”