Syria vote to be last thing Labour Party does

THE Labour Party has agreed to vote on Syria next week and then ‘knock it on the head’.

MPs, trade unions and ordinary members agreed the party was ‘essentially fucked’ and it was time to stop all this nonsense.

A spokesman at Labour’s HQ said: “We’ve started packing up our desks. The atmosphere’s actually quite jolly. There’s a sense of relief.

“As soon as the votes have been cast in the House of Commons we’ll take down the sign on the outside of the building, sing the Red Flag one last time and then redirect the website to

“And that will be that.”

In place of Labour a range of new parties will be formed next year, with the two biggest being The Nice Middle Class People and Angry About Everything All The Time.

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Everything on Black Friday costs your soul

THE price of any item reduced on Black Friday is whatever it says on the label plus your very soul, retailers have agreed.

Incredible discounts on games consoles and televisions have been co-financed by the essence of evil, which has successfully expanded its soul-harvesting operation from the US to the UK in the last two years.

A spokesman for the British Retail Consortium said: “Beats By Dre headphones. An iPad Mini. The exciting new Nutri Ninja.

“Can anyone reasonably argue that discounts of up to £50 on any of these items are not worth a teeny, tiny little soul that you don’t really need anyway?

“You can’t wrap your soul up and put it under the tree on Christmas morning to delight your loved ones. Not that any of the items bought today are presents, it’s all just feeding your own venal greed which is why we’re doing so well.”

Shopper Helen Archer said: “I’ve signed away my soul for £260 off a G-Board Smart Two-Wheel Self-Balancing Hover Scooter.

“But what the daft bastards don’t know is I’ve already signed it away on three different credit cards and a Debenhams storecard.”