Britain demands obesity study that says it's fine

BRITAIN has admitted it is sick of studies linking obesity with poor health and would like one with a more positive outlook.

As yet another major study linked obesity – on a sliding scale – with disease, death and poor sexual prospects, Britain’s 19m overweight people have asked when it is their turn for good news.

Bill McKay, from Peterborough, said: “Boozers are always getting headlines about how a bottle of red a week’s wonderful for the heart. Salt and statins have one story recommending them for every two saying they kill you.

“But for those of us with a healthy appetite it’s relentless gloom. Only filthy, horrid smokers have it worse.”

He added: “Let’s see a headline that says ‘Fat people friendlier’. Or ‘Obesity makes you float better’.

“Or what about ‘People who do loads of exercise always getting injured’.”


Woman who doesn't carry a bottle of water everywhere still alive

A WOMAN who left the house without taking any water provisions has survived her journey in perfect health.

Helen Archer amazed onlookers by carrying neither a reusable water bottle or a half-litre of Evian on her recent trip to a post office, and by getting there and back without any hydration whatsoever.

She explained: “It all started when I left my bottle of Volvic on a train and was forced to go two hours without a single drop of water.

“It was then I realised that I was one of those rare women, perhaps one in ten million, who was able to get through an entire afternoon without frantically swigging water.

“It’s great, because now I can get through a whole ten minutes without needing a piss.”

Dr Julian Cook said: “I haven’t seen anything like this since the 1990s, when somehow everyone managed to survive without a water-filled reusable drinking bottle.

“This woman is either a medical marvel or the eight glasses of water a day thing is bullshit.”