Britain looking forward to majority fatness

BRITAIN is on the brink of a ‘golden age’ where the majority of the population is fat.

The country is expected to pass the magic number of 50 percent obesity sooner than believed, paving the way for a ‘government of the fat’.

Weight consultant, Julian Cook, said: “The easiest way to prevent the imminent ban on sugar is a fat majority.

“Vote lemonade and Monster Munch, vote pillowy mounds of glorious human flesh.

“I’m looking forward to ‘no fruit Fridays’ and a multi-million pound NHS campaign called ‘Cheese It!’.

“And, of course, a tax system which punishes cyclists without mercy.”

He added: “We’re conditioned to believe that fat is bad because the thin control the agenda. The thin hate humanity and want there to be less of it by overall volume.”

Martin Bishop, from Stevenage, said: “I like to think I’ll be magnanimous, but I won’t be.

“I can’t wait to call someone a ‘thin bastard’. I’ll be like ‘have another tangerine, you big hatstand’.

“And then I’ll hound them from mainstream society.”

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Maybe try scoring some goals, Fergie tells Moyes

DAVID Moyes has been advised by his predecessor to boost Manchester United’s league position by getting more goals.

In a secret meeting between the two, former manager Sir Alex Ferguson also explained that keeping the opposing team from scoring goals at the other end could really make a difference.

Sir Alex said: “David complained that no matter how balanced his team is or how visionary his tactics, they seem to lose points because of some numbers up on a big illuminated board.

“I told him that, at the most basic level, winning a game means scoring more goals than the opposing team in 90 minutes.

“Although of course the refs always gave me 98.”

United’s 2-0 win against Swansea came after Moyes followed advice which he has privately disdained as being old-fashioned.

He said: “I suppose in the days of 4-4-2 and hoofing it up the pitch goals seemed like a big deal, and if you’re playing against a smaller club they’re effective.

“But for our game against Chelsea next week I hope we can return to what really counts: Prozone statistics, sponsorship revenue, and debt-profit ratio.

“However I shall be emulating Alex in buying a racehorse with the Glazer family and then taking them to court for a share of the stud fees.

“Well, I say a racehorse. Ryan Giggs.”