Colleague still not back at work

38-YEAR-OLD Tom Logan has still not returned to work after the Christmas break, sparking widespread speculation.

Sales administrator Logan was expected back at his desk last Monday like everybody else, but when he failed to appear it was rumoured he had taken an extra week’s holiday.

However his non-appearance this morning has sparked a renewed wave of concern, jealousy, bafflement and contempt.

Logan’s co-worker Susan Traherne said: “There is a very real possibility that Tom’s never coming back.

“Maybe he’s walking naked up a motorway as we speak, a muddy Christ-like figure with outstretched arms and an enigmatic smile.

“That would give us something interesting to talk about at lunch today, but it could also force me to re-evaluate my hum-drum existence which I don’t really want to do on a Monday.”

Stephen Malley, who sits opposite Logan said: “Either he’s on a beach somewhere, or he’s choked to death on a toffee.

“Probably he had last week off as legitimate holiday, then ate all his Christmas chocolates leaving only the toffees because they are the least desirable.

“Now he is lying on his kitchen floor at a funny angle.”

Accounts administrator Nikki Hollis said: “Whether he’s alive or dead, I’m pissed off he’s had pretty much a whole month off in one go.”

Rumours of Logan’s death remain unconfirmed as nobody has his land line number except the HR lady, who has not been seen since Christmas Eve.

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No-one has faintest idea what ‘social cohesion’ is

THE term ‘social cohesion’ has left everyone in Britain utterly baffled, it has been confirmed.

The phrase is used regularly by people opposed to immigration, but when asked to define it they will either feign a toothache or change the subject to commercial fruit picking.

Martin Bishop, from Stevenage, said: “Did Britain have social cohesion at some point in the past? If so I could look it up and then I would know what the hell you’re talking about.

“Was it when we had an obsessively rigid class structure and being gay was a crime? Or was it when women were routinely told to shut their stupid faces and make some more custard?”

Jane Thompson, from Guildford, added: “Did the catholics and protestants of Belfast and Glasgow used to get along splendidly? Did they ‘cohese’? Or is it ‘coheve’?

“Was there a point between Downton Abbey and the first boat to arrive from Jamaica when we all got along like the Waltons?”

Julian Cook, from Hatfield, said: “I once asked someone what they meant by social cohesion and they mumbled something about ‘everyone being able to understand Eastenders’.

“I understand Eastenders, but I don’t like it. And I actively despise people who do.

“It seems I may never fully ‘coheve’. Or is it ‘cohede’?”