This is not the year you'll get thin, say doctors

DOCTORS have declared that any attempts to lose weight in 2014 are doomed.

GP Tom Logan said “You are fat.

“You like sitting down and putting heavily salted, greasy food into your mouth, and any attempts to change this will almost certainly backfire.

“Being slim and healthy just isn’t for people like you at the moment.

“We don’t know what science will come up with in the next few years, but currently there is no laser strong enough to fix your blubber and no robot powerful enough to slap the cake from your chubby hands.”

He added “There’s a reason the adverts tell you to see your doctor before embarking upon a new diet or regime.

“They can talk some sense into you and lower your expectations before you end up broke, or dead.”

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Allardyce losing wager on being sacked

SAM Allardyce is losing £20,000 a day from a wager on when he will get fired.

The duvet-faced manager placed the spread bet during summer training with West Ham’s squad, which consisted largely of watching them bump into each other and fall over a lot.

He believed he would be back on the sofa watching Soccer Saturday by November at the latest.

Allardyce said: “I’m going to have to try the nuclear option of actually picking Andy Carroll because this is costing me a fortune.

“I’d hoped that sending eleven lads that were hanging around outside the Boleyn Ground out against Man City would have done the trick but clearly it’s time to go galoot.”

The transfer window might help Allardyce as he approaches the board with transfer targets including Lionel Messi, the ashes of Malcolm Allison and yet more Liverpool players.

However, some claim that West Ham’s owners have a larger bet with another syndicate that he will keep his job until the end of the season even if it means building him a bullet-proof dugout.

Fans have taken such a dislike to Allardyce that they have written a ten-minute chant entitled You’re a Manager That Utilises a Certain Style of Football and While Your Record in Gaining Promotion from the Championship Is Laudable You Are Best Suited Elsewhere, and You Know You Are.

Allardyce said: “If all else fails I’ll have to kiss goodbye to my family, ensure my affairs are in order and attend the next home game in my ‘Bobby Moore Was Shit’ t shirt.”