Camping for a week resets body clock to half-past insane

SPENDING a week in a tent is long enough for you to believe that it was actually a good idea in the first place.

Researchers found that anything less than a week left the participants with the keen sense they are being punished for having unclean thoughts.

Julian Cook, professor of horrible, stupid ideas at Roehampton University, said: “For the first two days you simply want to die.

“Days three and four usually involve getting up at 5.30am, going to the toilet like a Burmese convict and then standing on the edge of a gorge for nine hours while you decide whether throwing yourself into the void will be better than using that lavatory again.”

He added: “Days five and six involve entering the ‘dark caves of the soul’ where you see the cackling faces of dead Carry On stars while massive, bright red nylon wolves tell you to have more beans and sausages and then slash at you with claws made from Swiss Army knives.

“By the end of day seven you are are convinced that you are entirely happy and can now be detained under section four of the Mental Health Act.

“Despite the looks of genuine concern on their faces, you will tell everyone you had the best holiday ever and that you feel totally ‘recharged’.

“But in the years to come you will occasionally wake up in the middle of the night, drenched in your own urine, clawing at your face and barking like a wild boar. You will assume it is some kind of 24-hour bug.”

Bill McKay, who camped for a week three years ago, said: “We had an absolutely lovely time but for some reason I don’t want to talk about it, ever.”

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Villas-Boas to blow 100m Euros on sweets

ANDRE Villas-Boas has been warned not to spend Gareth Bale’s 100m Euro transfer fee all in one go.

The Spurs manager has been frantically adding Xbox games, Converse trainers and One Direction picture discs to his Amazon wish list since the transfer was negotiated.

Chairman Daniel Levy said: “This club has a reputation for spunking transfer funds and I’m not sure a 50-foot bouncy castle in the shape of Wolverine is going to dispel that.

Real Madrid placed the world record bid for Gareth Bale after seeing him on the television, being unable to believe that’s what he actually looked like and paying for the privilege of seeing him up close for themselves.

Their initial cash-only offer was rejected after Villas-Boas insisted that any deal must include the ride-on lawnmower he saw being used at the Bernabéu, and a penknife.

Spurs fans hope he does not emulate previous managers’ profligacy. Juande Ramos used the £30M Berbatov fee to have The Gipsy Kings wake him up each morning with Bamboleo, while Harry Redknapp spent his entire 2009 transfer budget on ‘a really nice sheepskin coat’.

Vilas-Boas said:”…and a speedboat, and an iPad and a lightsabre and Edin Dzeko and a BMX, and…”