Celebrity culture making women feel insufficiently stupid

WOMAN are being pressurised into emulating unrealistic levels of
brainless folly, according to a new
report.

Research by the Institute for Studies found that female celebrity role models like Katie Price, Paris Hilton and the triple-headed tit hydra that is the Kardashian sisters possessed a level of dim-wittedness which is unattainable for most women.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “They’re asking themselves questions like ‘Am I stupid enough?’, ‘Can I ever fully exclude thoughts unrelated to sex and social status from my mind?’ and ‘Will I ever be just a dead-eyed, Ronsealed-looking host organism for pretend boobs?’.

“Of course the answer is invariably ‘no’ and this is where neurosis begins.”

He added: “We live in an age where everything wants to be stupid, but it’s important to remember that there is more to life. Like, for example, being rich.

“Women must learn to be happy with their own personal stupidity – and perhaps set personal thickness goals, for example convincing themselves of one idiotic thing every day such as that kangaroos are a type of dog.”

Teacher Emma Bradford said: “However hard I try and whatever products I use, I cannot make my brain the same as Khloe Kardashian’s and that upsets me.

“It seems that however hard I try I am stuck with a level of intellect somewhat above the Heat magazine ideal.

“Sometimes, in a fit of self-loathing, I go and gorge myself on a book.”

 

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Greek butlers all round

EVERYONE in Britain is to receive part of a Greek person in exchange for large amounts of cash.

As the European Union confirmed it will take all your money and throw it into a giant flaming pit on the outskirts of Athens, there were demands that the populations of Britain, France, Germany and Holland get a timeshare in a Greek butler.

Plans are now being drawn up to train everyone in Greece to perform a variety of household tasks with absolute discretion.

They will then be bussed across Europe while thousands of EU helicopters drop your children’s tuition fees into the unquenchable Greek money furnace.

The move has been welcomed by millions of Britons who said they would much rather have a full-sized Greek human to play with than send their horrible mistakes to university.
 
Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, said: “I want one of those wrinkly old grandmothers who will be all loud and gesticulate wildly, but will make me fantastic food and pull me to her bosom and tell me how proud she is before sending me off to work while weeping hysterically.

“I would also like the prime minister of Greece to clean my bog with his tongue.”

Julian Cook, from Stevenage, said: “I want Vangelis to follow me on a scooter when I go jogging and play Chariots of Fire on a Stylophone.”

And Martin Bishop, from Grantham, added: “Generally speaking I’m quite self sufficient but I would like a young Greek man to wash my car on a hot summer’s day.

“Or perhaps a young Greek man to help me look for change down the back of the sofa.”

Helen Archer, a housewife from Peterborough, said: “My friends and I are going to apply for a swarthy man in his mid 40s and then we’ll take it turns to play Shirley Valentine until we break him and get another one.”